Mom is Just a Nickname

A trip to applebees may seem a frivolous way to remember a child’s death. It’s what we do every year on October First. We have a meal at Applebees. Who knows what we’ll do with ourselves if/when Applebees is no longer in business? Why do we eat at Applebees?

We eat there because on October 1st, 2002, the day he died, we were an hour from home when lunchtime rolled around. We’d just spent the morning at the Hospice House, saying our goodbyes to his little body. We were emotionally drained and unable to express the many feelings roiling under the surface. Topher’s parents were with us and Jillian was with us. We stopped at Applebees to eat because, although none of us were truly hungry, we knew we had to feed our bodies.

I think it was barely eleven in the morning. Toph ordered an alcoholic drink and the server tried to make a joke about how he was starting his drinking early in the day. Toph didn’t say a thing, but his dad quietly told her, “His son died today.” The server stuttered her apologies and from there she quietly and efficiently took care of us.

I guess going to Applebees is a way to pick at the scabs, to remember that day. I also remember Applebees was the last restaurant we took Sullivan to. In the month before he died, he had some real good days. One of those days we decided to take him out with us when we went to eat. He absolutely loved the balloons they had.

We did other odd things the day Sullivan died:
We went to a mall and bought candles. I bought a candle holder that resembles an autumn tree. It’s still packed right now, but I need to find it and unpack it before Monday. We were never allowed to burn candles when he was alive (because of the oxygen tank we kept on hand for emergencies, and then for the oxygen machine he was on at the end…oxygen is highly combustible) so to me, lighting a candle in his memory was just the right thing to do.

We went to a liquor store. We were in Indiana which has less taxes on liquor, as I recall. So we bought some there for the wake to come after the memorial service.

We went to a children’s clothes consignment store. I found a three piece suit for Sullivan’s body to wear. It was a light beige color with a white shirt. The shirt had a mandarin color, so it didn’t need a tie. My feeling was that he never wore truly formal clothes in his lifetime, why should he start in his coffin?

I went through the day as a bit of a zombie, but I didn’t know what I should be doing, how I should be acting, what I should be feeling. And somehow, life had to go on.