In The Red-Haired Girl From The Bog by Patricia Monaghan, she talks about the Cailleach, the ancient goddess known as the Hag. She says, “The logic seems impeccable: The Cailleach is old, therefore she will soon die. But this facile interpretation bears closer scrutiny, for what has age to do with death?” As she points out, people of all ages die. “But, what is natural about death is its inevitability, not its timing.”
This rang so true to me. Although I can’t help wearing a mother’s anger at being cheated of seeing my son live a long and full life, I can’t deny that death could visit any of us, at any time, for any reason. That’s the way things happen, and always have. Some could say it’s the natural order of things. The anger isn’t overwhelming, anymore, nor is the guilt or the horror or the sorrow about what happened to Sullivan. It continues to smolder inside though, rising to the surface when I am reminded of the past. When I’m feeling vulnerable and open, it is there and it takes over the way I think and feel about myself and about life in general. I usually think I’ve dealt with it all amazingly well, all things considered. And then I fall into the depths of all the feelings and have to claw my way back out again, and I wonder if I really have dealt with them at all. Maybe I just buried them, in that way at which I excel; buried, til a hole to the surface of my mind is opened and then they burst forth again.
Patricia Monaghan also provides the following which I found insightful and relevant to my life: “To move deiseal is to live rightly, to move in the order that nature intended. And nature’s order, as chaos theory reminds us, is not the rigid order of logic and theory. It is spontaneous and creative play, an intricate dance of unfolding possibilities.”
I find my life moving in ways I don’t understand. I wrote in high school, constantly. Everything from poetry to a novel (which I never finished). In college, I did some writing, but mostly for classes. Since becoming a mother, I have mostly written diary type entries and even then it was intermittent. It was not something I would do on a daily basis or with any regularity. I keep finding myself drawn back to it though. It’s the best way to express my feelings, the best way to work out how I feel about life. When I was troubled, I’d write. When memories of Sullivan overtake me, I write. When I’m feeling unsure, unstable, or unable to cope, I write. So I keep coming back to writing as something I love to do. It’s led me to believe I should be pursuing that as a profession.
In the same way, arts and crafts have been returning to my life. As a child and teenager, I was always doing something creative. From drawing to painting to sculpting clay to making things to wear, I did it all and loved it all. I continued to do things in college. Some of my best drawings come from my college days. Again since becoming a mother, my creative endeavors have lessened. I still do them, but they are more intermittent. A couple of years ago, I tried to start a business making jewelry. I loved making the jewelry, but it seemed so hard to juggle kids and jewelry and all the administrative details that go into running a business. And so it fell to the side. I still make jewelry, but not as often and it’s almost always for my own pleasure. That doesn’t explain why I have so few pieces that MATCH what I want to wear!
It seems like I keep coming back to the same things over and over throughout the years. Things I enjoy, and in which I believe I have some small talent.
And this brings me to the final quote that I’ve found personally relevant lately. It’s a quote from Calvin Coolidge which I ran into while reading Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more commonplace than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and Determination alone are omnipotent.”
Persistence and Determination have been lacking in my creative efforts in the last ten years. I have been making efforts to change that lately. I’m becoming determined to do something creative with my life. The persistence takes more effort, I think. Being a stay at home mom, my schedule is very fluid. Although I could set myself a schedule to follow, be it for writing or housecleaning or playdates, it seems they always flounder and fail when I try. Maybe I had enough of scheduling and strict time tables during school and Sullivan’s life, I’m not sure. All I know for certain is that the rhythm of my day changes all the time. So scheduling in time to do any one thing becomes laughable. But I’m trying. I’m working at a regular rhythm, both in my creative life and in my mundane life of housework. If I’m persistent, it should fall into place, right?
hrm.
