Toph and I were digging for some tax papers last night, trying to find some information for me to use when filling out a job application. We came across a folder of “Beth’s Keepsakes”. In it, I found two old library cards, a membership card that actually belonged to my friend Susie, lyrics to the Depeche Mode song Somebody, a couple of inspirational “forwards” printed up, a belated birthday card from 1997 made by my friend Devlyn_Syde, a Chinese character rendition of my name, two letters from my grandfather dated from the time shortly after my grandmother died and I got married, and a print up of an email exchange between me and Toph that was a pivotal point in our relationship.
It’s the emails and letters that caught my eyes. The email was significant to me because it describes, in fine detail, how I feel when I’m stuck in the cycle of depression. Even now, nearly ten years on, the feelings are the same but things have changed. In the email, I told Toph that I felt like I was always crying alone. I don’t cry alone anymore; he’s there for me. I described to him my confusion and the feeling of being lost, and having to talk myself out of doing something irrational. I still often feel confused and lost, but he’s always there to ground me. His presence manages to cut through the cycle, even on the dark days. I spoke of my lack of self esteem, and I still fight it now. And just as he did then, now he lifts me up by assuring me that he loves me and is proud of me. I wished for someone in my life that I could depend on no matter what, for anything. He has helped that wish come true. He’s that person. He’s stood by me through so many hard times, and dark, depressed days. He joked last night that he knew what he was getting into from the start, with my depression, so it hasn’t really ever made him bat an eye when I’m locked in one of my endless circles of depression. I’m scared that one day he’ll get tired of being there for me…but so far, he’s proven endlessly patient with me. I’m so thankful that he came into my life when he did.
Which brings me to what my grandfather said in his letters. His words deserve to be heard. They are so beautiful, although he said my grandma would have called them his “preaching”. Toph and I married quickly, expecting our daughter. Sort of a shotgun wedding, I guess, except we did it because I needed to be on his insurance. (And for the record, we were engaged already when we found out we were expecting. We had just planned to have a much longer engagement than we actually had.) I feared that my grandparents would be disappointed in me, as they’d been very proud when I had been pursuing a degree at college. My grandfather said, “If you and Toph can increase the love you have for each other each day, you will succeed. If you do this, the day will come when you will look at each other and realize that saying “I love you” just doesn’t fill the bill, you have exceeded the meaning of the word, and then what you feel for each other will make you one. This is where your grandmother and I were at, and why I felt that my heart was torn from me on the day that she died.”
Later in the letter, he said, “I have only tried to tell you that we understand what you are going through, all we ask is that you think about what you do, because every joy has a price, and you must be ready [to] accept and pay for it, but it’s worth it in a long run.”
I cry every time I read this letter. He was fighting through the deep hurt of losing his wife of fifty years, whom he passionately loved. He was fighting to be understanding as she would have been, but to also remind me to be sure of what I was doing. He warned at the same time he showed me how to succeed. He gave examples of the success that could come. His words become more significant to me with time.
Grandpa was an opinionated man, he felt deeply and rarely passed up an opportunity to tell us what he was feeling strongly about. This letter touches me so deeply, I’m so glad I saved it. (Any family member that wants a full detailing of the letter, just let me know. It talks about Grandma quite a bit and I don’t know what he wrote to all of you after he death. I just didn’t feel right posting all of the contents online.)
He said, “It’s easy to say “I do”, but what comes during your lives together (as was the case with your Grandmother and I) only time will tell whether you truly meant it or not.”
