Mom is Just a Nickname

71 words

Speed test

It is rare to see X sitting completely still at almost ten o’clock in the morning. He is a mover, a shaker, a child who doesn’t sit still. Oh, he can be intent on a task and stick with it, but his body and mind are always moving. He is energy, personified.

This morning, I had the first hints that he wasn’t feeling like himself. He complained of being cold. I figured he was just waking up and had crawled from his warm bed, finding the air in the house chilly after his nest. I helped him get dressed, suggesting sweatshirts to help him stay warm. He declined all offers, deciding to wear just his Spiderman t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

I went to take my shower after helping him get dressed. When I came out, he was curled in a ball behind my cheval mirror. He knows he’s not supposed to play near it. So, I coaxed him out of his corner, and asked him why he was there. He said he was just sitting there, listening to the fan in the bathroom. X, just sit there listening to white noise? That is not like him.

He was eager to go to the library for story time, but we still had an hour before we could leave. Over his t-shirt he layered on a turtleneck, a sweatshirt, and a windbreaker. I thought he was getting ready to go outside, but instead he told me he was just very cold. Our heat is set to sixty nine. Is it that cold in the house? I’m usually the one who feels the cold the most and it feels fine to me.

As I made a check on email, he lay down on the couch. He is still there now; just laying there. He doesn’t want to watch television, he doesn’t want to look at books. He doesn’t even want me to read him a book. He just wants to lay there, in a half doze. He says that nothing hurts -not his throat, not his head, nothing. Just his nose is runny, he tells me. And he’s cold.

He has turned his energy inward. All of that vital movement stilled as his body works to feel better. I wish there was more I could do for him than just offer medicine and drinks.

Sometimes I just want to run away.  I think, “If I could just get away for two days and not have to worry about anyone but myself, I’d feel so much better!”  And then….

 I feel guilty.  I feel like it’s wrong for me to want to get away from my children.  I feel like I should be available to them when they need me, on their schedules not my own.  Or I feel like a bad mom for not always liking the way they are acting. 

 Sometimes, I feel bad that I will spend an entire day writing or blogging or reading and not spending time playing with the kids.  The four year old has recently become aggressive, both in action and words, and doing some reading online, it seems that he may feel that any attention (even negative) is better than none.  Maybe he is acting out to get attention.  He usually seems perfectly content to play alone, but then he will get aggressive towards his sister and us in the evenings. 

More mommy guilt.  This one, at least, I can do something about.  Athough I find the blogging and the writing therapeutic and the reading is a habit I just can’t break, I still need to take the time to praise the little man for good behavior. 

I’m not convinced I should feel guilty for wanting to be away for a chunk of time, though.  We all need breaks.  People who work full time outside the home can leave their jobs.  Mine is always there.  As a full time stay at home mom, I’m always on duty.  Even when my husband is home and takes on his share of parenting, there are still some things that Mommy must do.   I do not clock out when Daddy walks through the door for his shift.

Have you ever had Mommy Guilt?  What made you feel guilty?  How did you handle the situation? Was it something you felt deserved Mommy Guilt?