I see these bumper stickers around all the time: “I believe.” That’s all they say, except maybe some fine print I’m never close enough to catch. I always want to ask the folks driving the cars, “What is it you believe?? You believe in Jesus? You believe in the United States? You believe in Mother Earth? You believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? What? What do you believe??”
But then I turn those questions around on myself: What do I believe?
It’s a difficult question for me to answer for a few different reasons. I see value in many different paths. I see similarities in just about all of the world’s “big” religions (and many of the smaller, less well known as well!)
I have also counted the scars on my son’s body, left by several surgeries and procedures which were meant to prolong his life, to give him the chance to live a good life. I have ranted and raved against whatever Powers That Be for the way my son suffered during his short life. My experiences with my son opened up whole new avenues for my mind to follow.
His life opened up my eyes to the good in humanity, to the value of community, to the positive (and negative) ways that belief and faith can impact each of our lives. But even while I discovered all of these things, my heart was empty of belief and faith in anything except the mantra of taking each minute, one by one. I could not look too far ahead and I could not look too far behind. If I did either of those, I felt my hollow heart would shatter.
This is why today, I am still asking myself “What do I believe in?” The only answer I have is that I believe in love, in family, in my own ability to look terrible circumstances in the eye and know that I can survive.
When Sullivan was in the hospital the first time, I held close to my heart the words from Peter Pan: “All it takes is faith and trust and a little bit of pixie dust…” I think I was a bit naive when I took those to heart, but I still see value in them. It did take faith and trust (in ourselves, in the doctors and in Sullivan) to give him the chances he had in his life. It did take faith and trust (that life would go on) after he died. And if there’s a pixie dusting me with her dust, maybe that explains why I’ve been able to keep searching for something bigger than myself to believe in, even after feeling like God let us down when Sullivan stopped breathing that cold December day in 2000.
What do you believe?
June 17th, 2008 at 8:31 pm - Edit
What do I believe? That is such a hard question, and one that I struggle with daily. I do believe in God, a Higher Power, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call him/her. And I believe that above all else this God wants us to love. Love ourselves, love one another, do all that we do out of love. I believe that the best place for ME personally, to seek God, is inside of me and outside in nature. But after that, I can’t say for sure what I believe. Nothing is as black and white as it used to be.
June 19th, 2008 at 11:07 am - Edit
What a thoughtful, moving post. It’s a basic question that I forget to ask myself. I’ll have to think about it, but I wanted to let you know I’m thinking. And I thank you for that.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:50 am - Edit
Excellent Post* Amazing how Divisive Religion is* + in America of all places on Earth in 2008!! We’re supposed to be Educated + Enlightened* Sad + Pathetic*
;)) Peace*