This blog was about my journey away from being just a mom. And then I got so caught up in other things, I forgot to keep posting. Terrible, I suppose. Today, my life involves being a mom, a wife, a friend, a struggling student thrown back into the harsh waters of school, an amateur gardener, and an amateur crochet-er. I flip between the different roles with difficulty. I spend a whole month with my focus narrowed down to just one interest and then abruptly set that aside to focus on something else. It’s an ongoing struggle to remain focused on any one thing for as long as it takes to finish it.
I also struggle with the feeling that I am tied so closely to someone else that his moods, his preferences…hell, his very presence so directly affect what I do with my life. I read in a book once (I think…can’t remember specifically) the idea of one spouse being like a spring who was only wound up to action when the other spouse was present…and I can relate to that feeling. Life seems more real and more active when Toph is around. It is a weird thing to me, to feel that life is on ‘pause’ when he is at work. I struggle to be productive even though he is gone and it is frustrating to me. I begin to feel that I have little internal motivation at all. And it scares me, because what will happen to me if anything should take Toph out of my life permanently? How then will I go on and get done what needs doing?
I write this out of the need to remove the idea from my brain, where it has been resting heavily for many days now. I expect that very few people ever read this blog anymore with any regularity since my last posts are so old and, imo, kind of uninspired. What happened to being able to dig into my brain for something deeper than ‘hey these jeans fit me well!” oi.
