He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn’t play for the money he wins
He doesn’t play for respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance
From Sting’s Shape of My Heart
Dance used to be my meditation, and shooting. The two walked side by side. They seem an odd juxtaposition, but they complemented each other. One required full body movement, I lost myself in the rhythm of my body’s movements, concentrating on how each turn, each stretch made me feel alive. The other required a quietness, and an effort to control breathing, movement, posture. It required a steadiness and a focus, a grounding and centering which is often associated with traditional meditation. I never made that connection until recently. I never realized how different things can be meditation until recently.
I miss the feel of the full body meditation I used to do. Losing myself in my body, in the lyrics of songs. It’s amazing how songs become a part of me when I dance their words. I feel the poetry of the lyrics and the grace of the music on another level when I try to put those into action with my body.
I also miss the rhythm and concentration of shooting. I never did it just as sport; I never did it just for the competition. I never did it just for the scores; or to beat all the boys – yes, I did like being one of the few girls competing, and doing as well, if not better, than many of the boys. In some way, I liked getting up at 5:30 a.m. on school days to practice in the basement with my air rifle. Practice didn’t mean load, aim, fire. It meant load, breathe, clear your mind, find your position, breathe, seat yourself in your position, breathe, clear your mind, breathe, close your eyes, breathe, open your eyes, breathe, sight your target, breathe, focus, aim, breathe and as you exhale smoothly squeeze the trigger. It was a long process, one of grounding, centering, always finding the exact same position before aiming and firing.
Nowadays, I feel the “Mom” title most keenly in the meditation realm. Whether my meditations are calm and quiet or active with movement, they are interrupted. From beading, to gardening, to writing, my time is not my own. At any moment, someone will require my attention. Staying up late doesn’t work; Toph will stay up late too. Getting up early doesn’t work either; invariably my little early bird, the monkey, will get up earlier, as if he knows I’m up too, even if I go outside. This morning I’ve got headphones in and although I’ve managed to ignore Toph and the princess, the monkey just comes and stands beside me until I look at him and remove my headphones to talk to him. He’s learned how to get Mama’s attention.
Maybe Moms aren’t supposed to meditate, but given the number who claimed to find the time to do it, I don’t think that’s true. There’s got to be a way. How do women do it? It just doesn’t seem to happen in my house. I just get frustrated when I try it. I miss my meditations…I miss my dancing, and my shooting. I’m not really sure which I miss most.
July 12th, 2010 at 8:14 pm - Edit
It’s so good to hear from you. It can be really frustrating for a mom to get time for herself, especially when transportation is so limited. And especially in the summer time. I have to remind Connie that I need a timeout during the day – sometimes a couple of times during the day. Usually after we do some activity together, I usually need to have 20 minutes to myself to center myself by writing, or reading, or just sitting quietly and listening to my breathing. Sometimes, she’ll get involved with a program on TV and I’ll get more time. If John is home and the weather cooperates, I can go on a walk.
It’s toughest on weekends or vacations when hubby is home. He spends so little time with us, that I feel immensely guilty if I need time for myself. He is getting better at giving me some space and understanding that I’ll be a better “me” afterwards.
July 18th, 2010 at 9:55 pm - Edit
Heh… it’s funny how we both feel that we don’t really have some time to ourselves because the other is up later in the evenings often enough. How does that work?
July 18th, 2010 at 9:56 pm - Edit
Maybe we should alternate nights: one night I go to bed early and the next night you go to bed early and on the third night we stay up late together?