Mom is Just a Nickname

Seven years ago, today, I gave birth to Sullivan. He was our miracle baby, right from the start. He had an honest to goodness knot in his umbilical cord and according to the doctor, he should not have survived the vaginal birth he had, due to the cord tightening and blocking his oxygen. We were so thankful to have him with us and to apparently be unharmed by his experience.

His birth went much like his sister’s, which I wrote about two weeks ago. With him, I woke up in the morning and rolled out of bed to use the toilet. No sooner had I stood up than my water broke. Lucky I wasn’t in bed at the time, eh? There was a bit of a gush at first, but then it slowed to a trickle. I roused Toph out of bed with the news, and then went about getting dressed, getting my daughter dressed, and letting my father in law know that we were heading for the hospital so he’d be in charge of Jillian. We lived with my inlaws at the time, so there was no need to overly upset Jillian’s routine, except that she was excited to spend the day with her grandpa.

Labor and delivery took about six hours from the time my water broke to the time of delivery. I remember at one point, rocking in a rocking chair in my room and having my water break for the second time. We had a lake surrounding me and the rocking chair then. It was pretty amusing at the time.

I had a paper bag over my face during transition, rather than the oxygen mask I had worn with Jillian. I think I preferred the oxygen mask.

At one point the doctor turned the overhead mirror to help me see what was going on DOWN THERE. I screeched at him for that. Turn that damn thing away from me! Seeing what’s going on makes it hurt more! i didn’t even want to put my hands down to feel the baby’s head emerging. No thanks!

He was 8lbs 7oz. at birth, and 20 inches long. He had a head of blondish, brown hair, not dark like his sister. He was beautiful. He was a champion nurser…he knew what he was doing right away.

Alot of the happy memories of his birth are shadowed for me now. The events that took place when he was 5.5 weeks old make those first 5 weeks a blur in my head. I tend to remember the pregnancy, which was hard on my body. The first three months were spent sick as a dog and dehydrated while the OB’s office ignored my cries for help until I resorted to the General practitioner’s office to get me the help I needed. (I was admitted to the hospital for rehydration at that point and did much better afterwards.) I lost a lot of weight in that first trimester. (ah pregnancy. The easiest diet plan I’ve ever been on! )

The last trimester was punctuated with odd sleeping spells and learning that I had gestationally induced impaired glucose tolerance. It is a precurser to gestational diabetes. Although my OB was totally unhelpful on these counts (his advice was simply not to eat the things that made me sleepy/passout, which would have been difficult since just eating a regular meal would do it to me) I did see a dietician who helped me get things under control. It was a lesson in self control and self preservation.

In any case, my Sullivan, with his blue blue eyes and his curly blonde hair, was a beautiful baby boy. He was much loved even before his birth and we cherished all the time we had with him. I remember this day with both happiness and sadness. It was the beginning of the end of my age of innocence. His birth began a journey to a world where I could no longer drift by in a haze of blissful happiness, satisfaction with life, and with the knowledge that “IT” could never happen to me. I learned in a very hard way that “IT” most assuredly could happen to me and my family.

Happy Birthday, Sully boy. I often dream of what you would be like now, had things not happened as they had, or even what you’d be like if you’d continue to live despite all of the things working against you. Every time I see a little boy about the age you would be, I get sad and wistful. I never have understood how The Powers That Be could make you endure all that you did, nor how they could punish our family for simply wanting to have you with us to love. You were born of love and died surrounded by that love. Whatever way you exist now, I hope you know that we loved you with everything we had, from beginning to end.

Nine years ago, today, I birthed my first child. Can it really be so long ago?

The night before, it was a Friday night, I started feeling really uncomfortable. Things were happening, I knew. My mucus plug came out, my back was hurting more than normal, and my contractions were coming pretty regularly but they weren’t all that strong. Topher had gone to bed, and I started chatting with friends online.

When the contractions were getting closer together and I thought we’d be going to the hospital soon, I signed off with my friends and got Topher up. But after I called the hospital, I decided that the contractions weren’t really strong enough for me to go in yet. I figured I’d try to get some more rest before the BIG EVENT. Toph had showered and was now too awake to go back to bed. So HE got online and started chatting with the same set of friends….They gave him the hardest time about being ONLINE when his wife was in labor!

Well, finally, morning rolled around, and we continued with our original plans to have brunch with Toph’s parents. We went to Ponderosa. My mother in law was watching me, noticing that I was only eating soup and some rolls. She also noticed how I kept shifting in my seat. She asked a few times if I was ok, and I just smiled and nodded.

After brunch, we went back to the inlaws’ house to continue visiting with them. I’m really not sure how long we were there, but we decided it was time to go so that Topher could take a nap. I got up to use the restroom, came back and sat back down in the recliner. I felt, more than heard, this mysterious *POP*! It felt like my bladder had leaked a bit when I sat down, but yet…not. Well, I hurried Topher out of the house, saying our goodbyes.

He suggested I should drive since he had not slept much last night. So, I open up the driver side door, and lean in and say, “Sure, I’ll drive. Put one of those waterproof sheets down on the seat first though, ok?” He looked at me funny and said, “Why?” “I think my water broke while we were in there.” He gave this huge sigh and said, “I’m not going to get my nap, am I?” I laughed and shook my head.

I remember thinking about my mom during the time it took us to drive home (a whole 2 or 3 minutes) and remembering stories of her vacuuming after her water broke when she was having my sister. I never could figure out how she could have been vacuuming, of all things, after her water broke! I figured water breaks, you go to the hospital as fast you can, right? I finally got it. We went home, got the bag we had packed, made sure the cats were set, I changed my clothes and put on a pad to catch the leaks (I hadn’t had a full out gush). THEN, we left for the hospital (which was a whole five minutes down the road).

As we were getting out of the car at the hospital, I began to realize that labor was very aptly named. I was beginning to get stronger contractions, and lucky me, it quickly became obvious that I was going to have back labor. I don’t think I felt a single contraction in my belly from that point forward. All I remember is the horrid cramping in my back, like a period on steroids!

From there I remember going up to the Maternity Ward in the hospital (third floor, was it?) and I was shown to a L&D room. After getting on a gown and being hooked up to an IV (to stay hydrated, I guess), I was told that my doctor wanted me to walk. This was, after all, my first baby and it would take awhile for her to get there. At the same time that they sent me into the hall to walk, they sent my husband (the only support person I had there with me) down to registration to fill out paperwork. I reluctantly walked. I found myself in exquisite pain and checked with the nurses for the whereabouts of my husband. He wasn’t back yet, keep on walking, I was told. I begged for someone to walk with me, and was told that there was no one available. I walked as far as a rocking chair tucked into a nook and I sat there until Topher came back. As soon as he was there, I made a beeline for the room I’d been assigned.

I was cranky, feeling neglected by the nursing staff, and I was IN PAIN! I made sure Topher knew it, I made sure the nurses knew it. It was around this time, I think, that I began asking for something to help ease the pain. The timeline here gets a little fuzzy, not to mention confused with my second birth which took place in the same hospital.

I guess the nurse checked me and found I was only at about 5 or 6 cm dilated. She went about their business. As I recall, they had another lady in labor at the same time. I think I started getting loud and I was told to keep it down or something, which made me snarl back.

I remember I started feeling like I had to push. I was told I couldn’t push because the doctor wasn’t there yet. I said, “Better get here then, cuz this kid is coming!” I was told “no, no, we just checked you and you weren’t dilated enough.” “Check me again! I’m telling you, I have to push!” So, they did and sure enough, I was at about 9cm. “Call the doctor! Quick, the baby’s coming!”

I had issues staying concious, I’m not sure if I was hyper or hypo ventilating…I was given an oxygen mask to wear with that delivery. Once the doctor was there, there was some tension. The baby’s shoulder was stuck on my pelvis and the doctor had to do some maneuvering to get her unstuck. She finally did arrive though, after FIVE HOURS of labor from water breaking to delivery….not bad for a first timer, eh?

We called my husband’s parents from the delivery room. Toph greeted his father by saying, “Hi, Grandpa!” And his dad thought he was joking around, teasing him…until he heard the baby crying in the background. Then he was astounded and excited and ….well, we told them we’d call and let them know when we had been moved to a room, but they knew where our room was before we got there….they were waiting at the door for us!

Luckily they came with food in hand, so we forgave them. And that was the day our daughter was born. She was 8lbs. 4.5 ounces and 21 inches long. She was born with a shock of dark, straight hair. She was beautiful.

Then:

And now:

She still is beautiful, don’t you think?

Happy 9th Birthday, Jillian!