Mom is Just a Nickname

What did you want to be when you grew up?

I recall wanting to be an artist.

So why is it so hard to decide what I want to be now?

Because I’m locked somewhere in this in between state where I don’t have the confidence to let my inner artist play, therefore I don’t believe my inner artist has the wherewithal to make money doing what she loves to do.

Ain’t growing up a bitch?

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ~Steve Jobs

Maybe it’s time to leave this limbo state and step out, back into the childlike state of knowing, without a doubt, what I’m meant to do, to be, in life.  Maybe it’s time to trust that I will accomplish and be taken care of if I do what I’m meant to do.

Although walking this other path has led me to realize other talents as well.  And that’s a good thing too.

Books.  I’m undecided about the future of my books.   I love reading, I love getting into a story.  Lately, though, I find the act of focusing on the words challenging.  Maybe I need reading glasses, but the eye doctor doesn’t seem to think so.  I also think it’d be nice if I could reduce the number of books on my bookshelves…they sure do take up a lot of space!

So, I’ve found myself listening to books instead.  And I like that fairly well. I get the pleasure of “reading” a book without the eyestrain of focusing on the words.

I’ve also got the kindle app on my Android phone.  I like that too, except that the screen isn’t big enough.  So I’ve thought of getting a Kindle or a Nook – but I think what I want is a tablet.  But it’s definitely a “want” not a “need”, so it’s on the back burner for now.

Are you old school – all for books; or do you like new technologies for absorbing stories and information?

In between sleeping and waking,

there’s a time and space when one is not quite dreaming,

but not quite thinking.

Wishes on the surface of your mind’s eye are gleaming,

waiting to become reality.

If you’re lucky, you remember after rising,

what these wish visions said.

Lucky….you can make your wishes come true.

In between sleep and waking, our wishes walk the world.

Awaken slowly.

How do you follow a day of such mourning?  You move on.  Even after ten years all you can do is move on. “Life flows on in endless song, above earth’s lamentation” …

And after ten years, life is moving on.  No longer are old rituals holding us in their grasp: for the first time in ten years we did NOT eat at Applebees on the day of Sullivan’s death.  We did not spend the entire day dedicated to doing nothing but reminding ourselves of old, hurting memories.  We did things that we enjoy.  And although the memories were with us and we still took time to honor his memory, the whole day was not spent in mourning.

“We hear the real though far off hymn, that hails a new creation”

The song goes on, and so do we.  After ten years, we’ve opened ourselves up on the day of Sullivan’s passing to hear more than just the echoes of his life.

National Blog Posting Month – October 2011

I’ve got a day to catch up on…and what a day to have to catch up on.  So, I’ll write two posts today and call it even.

First off, I’ve decided to participate in NaBloPoMo this month.  Writing every day is good for the soul and I need something that is good for the soul these days.

So, here’s the heart of my October 1st post, even though it’s coming on October 2nd.

On October 1st, I take time to honor the life of my son Sullivan and to mourn his death.  He was a beautiful little baby with bright blue eyes, a charismatic little personality, and a frail body – as chubby and pink and warm as it always was.  He gifted me with one smile in his 23 months of life, although we saw many his happiness with us in many other ways.  Unfortunately, we saw he was unhappy and uncomfortable and in pain much more often.  His passing in the end was a blessing, as it let his body rest and set his soul free.  His beautiful, magnificent, old soul.  I like to believe that his soul learned from us love even as it endured the suffering.  Here is to Sullivan, my bright boy.  I miss him all year round, but particularly now in the fall, and most especially, on the day of his passing, on October 1st.