Mom is Just a Nickname

I want to write something deep and insightful here. I have been reading back through my blog and I’m deeply disappointed that my recent posts have been so brief and shallow, superficial. Then I sit down here to write and don’t know what to write about.

I could tell about the decisions I’m trying to make..oh yeah, I did that already.
I could talk about the interesting books I’m reading…but I’m still reading the book by Ariel Gore and the one by Matthew Fox. I haven’t had any further illuminations to share from either of them.
I could talk about my Sullivan…I can always talk about him. But I have the same tales to tell now that I shared last fall. Except for the ones that involve the deep bitterness and betrayal I experienced during that time. Fortunately, that betrayal was balanced by the many other people that stepped forward to help when we needed it.

No, none of that really wants to be written about today.

So, I remain unsure of what to say. Is this even worth posting?

Probably not. I’ll do it anyway, though, because I want to. This scramble of words reflects the way my brain is working these days. It’s not sitting long on any one idea, even though I have things I really do need to think about and work through. For now, I’ll go work on chores (there’s a backlog of things to do around the house right now. ugh.)….maybe something will come to me as I do a dish washing meditation.

I see these bumper stickers around all the time:  “I believe.”  That’s all they say, except maybe some fine print I’m never close enough to catch.  I always want to ask the folks driving the cars, “What is it you believe??  You believe in Jesus?  You believe in the United States?  You believe in Mother Earth?  You believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster?  What? What do you believe??”

But then I turn those questions around on myself: What do I believe?

It’s a difficult question for me to answer for a few different reasons.  I see value in many different paths. I see similarities in just about all of the world’s “big” religions (and many of the smaller, less well known as well!)

I have also counted the scars on my son’s body, left by several surgeries and procedures which were meant to prolong his life, to give him the chance to live a good life.  I have ranted and raved against whatever Powers That Be for the way my son suffered during his short life.   My experiences with my son opened up whole new avenues for my mind to follow.

His life opened up my eyes to the good in humanity, to the value of community, to the positive (and negative) ways that belief and faith can impact each of our lives.  But even while I discovered all of these things, my heart was empty of belief and faith in anything except the mantra of taking each minute, one by one.  I could not look too far ahead and I could not look too far behind.  If I did either of those, I felt my hollow heart would shatter.

This is why today, I am still asking myself “What do I believe in?”  The only answer I have is that I believe in love, in family, in my own ability to look terrible circumstances in the eye and know that I can survive.

When Sullivan was in the hospital the first time, I held close to my heart the words from Peter Pan: “All it takes is faith and trust and a little bit of pixie dust…”  I think I was a bit naive when I took those to heart, but I still see value in them.  It did take faith and trust (in ourselves, in the doctors and in Sullivan) to give him the chances he had in his life.  It did take faith and trust (that life would go on) after he died.  And if there’s a pixie dusting me with her dust, maybe that explains why I’ve been able to keep searching for something bigger than myself to believe in, even after feeling like God let us down when Sullivan stopped breathing that cold December day in 2000.

What do you believe?

Theology, Herbology, Mythology, Biology, Psychology and today’s version of Justice:  It makes for an interesting mix in this book.  Really, I think the herbology and theology are what hooked me into the raveled story of Aslaug.  The unraveling of her words, combined with the events in a courtroom, led me through so many twists and turns. I was constantly unsure of how the story would end.

But end it did.  Although the end answered several questions, it left many questions hanging.  Unsatisfied, I find myself contemplating the story and trying to unravel a few more ends.  Perhaps that is one of the best parts of the book though.  It has left me thinking, pondering the possibilities.

I’m very excited about sharing this book with some friends tonight! We’re meeting to discuss herbs and as this book as such a high concentration of information about herbs, it just seems to have come to me quite fortuitously!

This book review has been brought to you by Blog Stop Book Tours.  Please check there for more information about this book, its author, and what other reviewers had to say about it.

Warmer weather is coming to Florida, and with it my aches and pains seem to lessen. They aren’t gone completely, but they have not been as bad lately. Perhaps it’s just that I haven’t been at the computer for more than quick email checks lately.

Today, I updated my wordpress installation, and have been trying to make sure all of the plugins are updated so that the site runs smoothly. If you notice any problems, please let me know. I’ve also updated my feeds to run through feedburner. If your feeds give you problems, you might want to resubscribe through the new links. Sorry for any inconveniences this causes.

So, what have I been doing with my time in the last couple of weeks? We took off to St. Augustine one weekend to see the Castillo de San Marcos and to meet up with some blogger friends from South Florida. Meeting Elliot from 21st Century Dad and Renee from 21st Century Parenting was fun! We wandered the historic district, poking through shops with them…and their Twilli is just adorable. From the pictures I’d seen, I knew she had beautiful eyes, but they were really captivating in person. And she (and her parents) even let me hold her for a bit!

Other than that one trip out of town, I’ve stuck around the house a fair amount. Last week was J’s spring break, so we did get out and do some things - if only to keep the two rugrats from driving me into insanity. We met up with friends at the park and at the zoo, and we did some shopping.

The big things that have been occupying my time are knitting and crocheting. More crocheting than knitting actually. I have finished one blanket of granny squares and I’m nearly done with another blanket (not granny squares). I’m also working on a felted belt for each of my kids, and coasters for my living room. My first attempt at a coaster has resulted in a hot pad for my kitchen instead…it was a little too big! Maybe the kids will use it for their doll house, as a rug. We’ll see. Live and learn, right?

In any case, for any crafters out there, here are some pics and specs on the blanket I finished:

It was made with about 2.5 lbs. of Peaches & Cream cotton yarn in Peppercorn Ombre. I made 80 granny squares, attached them all with slip stitches, and then put 3 rows of single crochet along the edge. I really like this blanket and have learned a lot about crocheting by making it. It is destined for another household, much to my children’s disappointment.

Both kids are now clamoring for blankets of their own. First, I have another blanket to finish (another gift) and in the meantime, they are getting other odds and ends I put together.

In addition to the knitting and crocheting, I’m planning some sewing projects. The first I’d like to do is a needle bag, to hold my growing collection of knitting needles and crochet hooks and assorted other supplies I use frequently. Xavier wants me to make him a pair of pants with some Spiderman fabric I picked up. And Jillian always wants lessons in sewing, crocheting and cooking…I wish I were a better teacher.

Next week, look for my review of The Fiction Class by Susan Breen. You can find more information and links to other reviewers of this book at Blog Stop Book Tours.

Hopefully, I’ll have more posts between now and then. I stole Toph’s computer chair in order to get comfortable enough to work on the computer…I can only do that while he’s at work, though! I need to get one of my own, is what I need to do!

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