Mom is Just a Nickname

“Simon?” I whispered the word involuntarily.

The tall man standing in line just ahead of me at the checkout counter turned in response. His blue eyes widened when he saw me. He also recognized me, I could tell.

“Dana? What are you doing here?” I had loved listening to him talk when we had dated in high school, thinking it was such a beautiful, grown up voice. Now, it was richer, deeper and still made me warm inside. I never would have guessed he’d have that effect on me after all these years.

“Oh. Well, I’m back visiting my folks. They asked all of us to come home for one last family Christmas at the old house. I guess ten years was too long for me to stay away.” His hair was still dark, with rich auburn highlights. There was still that lock that flopped onto his forehead. I remembered I used to love to use it as an excuse to touch his hair. I had used any excuse to touch him when we had dated as teenagers, or no excuse at all.

“Yes, ten years is a long time,” he commented softly. “Your folks are heading South, right?” He raised an eyebrow at me. Although the bones of his face were sharper than they had been when he was younger, he was still youthful and handsome.

“Yeah, they’ve decided to become snowbirds. They are moving to Florida in a few months and selling their house. How are your folks doing?” I tried to shift the topic. I was still sore that my parents were selling the house me and my siblings had grown up in. Simon had known how much I loved growing up in that old house; would he remember the way we’d talked about raising our own kids there? Although I knew that it was the best move for my parents, in almost every way, I would sorely miss the memories held in that house. It was far too large for single me, or I would consider buying it from them. I still didn’t have any kids to raise there, though.

“My parents are fine. They sold their old house and moved to Arizona a couple of years back. They are actually visiting me right now.” He moved up in line and began to move his items from his shopping cart to the conveyor belt. I watched in amazement as he loaded two gallons of milk, diapers and all sorts of food appealing to little kids onto the belt.

“Oh. You have kids? You must be married?” I hadn’t heard that he’d gotten married. I felt oddly let down. My parents passed on news of all my other old friends, but they had been silent through the years about Simon. It had never struck me as odd before, after the abrupt way Simon and I had broken up. Now, it seemed like I’d missed out on information I should have had.

“I was married. My wife…she passed away almost a year ago.” His voice was soft and strained. I flinched from the pain it held.

“I’m so sorry, Si. I didn’t know.” I reached to touch his arm, to offer comfort. I didn’t know what else to say. He looked at my hand on his arm and then up at my face. He covered my hand with his briefly and then turned back to pay for his groceries. My hand fell away awkwardly. He was quiet as he waited for the machine to process his card. I looked at the magazines on the rack beside me, then at the candy bars. I fiddled with one of the cheap plastic toys on display. Then I looked at him again.

“Si? May I ask…that is, how many children do you have?” My heart hurt for him and his children. I hadn’t ever experienced a loss like his, I could only imagine the hole that would be left behind.

“I have two kids. Two girls.” He signed the pad of the machine with tight, tense strokes as he answered me.

“How old are they?” I couldn’t decide if it was curiosity or picking at a very old scab. He and I had once talked of getting married and having children. In the back of my mind, I could hear a voice whispering that they could have been mine. They could have been Simon’s and mine.

“Effie is three and Bridget is fourteen months old.” My eyes widened. Fourteen months old? His wife must have died shortly after giving birth. I searched my mind for something appropriate to say.

“They are lucky to have you, Si. You obviously love them both very much.” He looked at me. His eyes burned with love, with anger, and with a poignant sorrow. It did not seem possible that he could contain all of his emotions. His jaw ticked with tension. He was clenching his teeth, just as I remembered him doing when he was upset.

“Yeah. I do love them. I have to go. Mom is watching them and Effie gets upset if I take too long away from her.” He turned to go with his cart of bagged groceries.

“Wait, Si!” The cashier had started scanning my groceries. I didn’t have much. He turned back to me, tapping his fingers impatiently against his cart’s handle.

“Have coffee with me sometime this week? I’d like to talk to you more.” I felt like there was something I needed to say to him or hear from him. Seeing him again after ten years, I remembered all of the questions that we had left hanging; the promises of a lifetime, the love we’d thought we shared. I just had to spend some more time with him, if I could.

“I don’t know. I don’t like to leave the girls.” He turned away.

“Bring them along. Please. I’d like to meet your daughters.” The cashier cleared her throat.

“Ma’am. How will you pay?” The cashier asked, bringing me back to the task at hand. I dug my wallet out of my purse and extracted my debit card. I looked at him, still standing there by his cart with his back tense and his head bowed. I ran my card through the reader.

“Ok, Dana. I’ll call you at your parents’ house to arrange when. Ok?” He looked back at me until I nodded, then he hurried away, the wheels of his cart squeaking in protest against how fast he was going. It took some concentration to finish paying for my things, as my mind was more intent on the unexpected reunion that had just taken place.

I wandered to my car, carrying my small bags of toiletries, lost in memories of Simon and our youthful romance and contemplating the life he’d lived since then.

Part Two:

When I got back to my parents’ house, it was amazingly quiet and empty.  A note on the kitchen counter said that my parents had taken the posse of grand-kids off to do some shopping and would be back in a few hours.  There was an added note from my brother that he and his wife had also gone shopping and planned to be gone until dinnertime.  Of my sisters, there was no sign and no note. Shrugging, I wandered up to the room I was sharing with my nine year old niece to do some of the work I’d been neglecting since I had arrived.  Playing with my nieces and nephews was much more fun than working, however much I loved my work. It was hard to sit and write in the midst of the family chaos.

It was my habit to spend a few minutes warming up my fingers by writing whatever came to mind.  Then, I’d move on to writing for my assignment, whatever it happened to be.  That day, my mind could not be swayed from the topic of Simon, of his dead wife and orphaned children, and of the relationship he and I had shared so long ago.  Why had I run into him now?  Why not five years before?  Why had we broken up to begin with?  I was sure I had forgotten something from that time, because all I could remember were the good things about our relationship.

He and I had laughed together, played together, talked endlessly and our dreams had coincided in exhilarating ways.  Despite having both come to the relationship as virgins, we were good together sexually speaking. In fact, I still remembered him as one of the best lovers I’d ever had.  The world I remembered from those days had seemed right and good.  After we had broken up, my world had never had the same sweet simplicity as it did then.

Was it just the blissful ignorance of childhood?  Did I suddenly enter the world of adulthood when he and I had broken up?  I remembered that I’d done the breaking off, but it hadn’t been a reason that I’d consider valid since I’d grown older.  It had seemed so large an obstacle then, to be faced with the possibility of a pregnancy.  I had broken up with him after a traumatic pregnancy scare because I didn’t want either of us to sacrifice our dreams to a baby.  I hadn’t wanted him to have the chance to resent me for destroying any chance he’d had of reaching his dreams.  I knew that if we were together, we’d want to make love.  I knew that if we weren’t careful, making love would result in a baby.  I just didn’t feel it was worth the risk. I hadn’t told him this rationale.  I had told him that we were growing apart, going off to college, and I felt like our relationship had grown as far as it could.  It had hurt to tell him that.  I had loved him so much. I had honestly felt I was doing what was in both of our best interests though.

My thoughts were interrupted by the distant ringing of the house phone.  I heard clattering feet running to answer it, and I realized my parents were home with my nieces and nephews.  Then I heard Jenny, my sister’s four year old yelling, “Aunt Dana!  The phone’s for you!!!”  Could it be Simon? I wondered.  I didn’t think he would call so quickly.

I trotted down the stairs, dodging toys and excited little bodies as I went.  It amazed me that between my three siblings there were ten children.  I adored them all, but I couldn’t help but be in awe of how many there were.  Finally I stumbled over little Jenny where she was crouched by the kitchen door, hiding, I guess, from one of her cousins.

“Oh yes, Simon! We’d love to see you and your little girls.  You know you’re always welcome in our home, darling.”  My mom’s eyes darted to me.  They held worry, warmth, and a healthy number of questions.  But I knew she’d wait to ask.  She was the soul of discretion.  “Any way, Dana just got to the kitchen, so I’ll let you talk to her now.  It’s been good to hear from you, dear.” There was a pause and she smiled at something Simon said. “Yes, I know. Ok, dear. I look forward to seeing you soon,” she said and then she passed the phone to me.

“Hello, Simon.” I said.  I grabbed a coat that looked like it would fit from the hooks by the back door and went outside to talk where it was less noisy.  It would have been nearly impossible to find my own coat, so I didn’t bother, but the coat I’d chosen was on the snug side.  It must have belonged to one of my almost teenage nephews.

“Hey, Dana.” I could hear little girls chattering in the background.  “Listen, I’m not sure getting together would be such a good idea.” His voice, normally so warm and rich sounded flat and dead.  I frowned.

“I just wanted a chance to talk, Simon.” I had felt quietly excited that he’d called so soon, but now I felt a deep disappointment. He didn’t want to see me again. I sighed.

“I just don’t see what we have to talk about, Dana.  What we had was so long ago and,” A tiny voice said, “Daddy! Bridget stealed my toy!” “Just a minute, Dana.” She could hear that he was talking, but it was muffled as if he’d covered the mouthpiece before talking to his daughter. “It’s just not a great time for me, Dana,” he said when came back on the line.

“I see.”  We both fell silent. He told Bridget not to play with the phone.

“Well, if we have nothing of the past to talk about, fine.  But I’d really like to meet your daughters, if that’d be ok.”  I hoped I didn’t sound as desperate as I felt when I said that.

“Coffee shops aren’t really kid friendly, Dana.” His comment was droll, a parent talking to a non-parent, as if having to spell out the ways of the world.

“No, of course they aren’t!  We’ll just have to meet somewhere else.  Maybe the mall?  Does it still have that play area at the center?”

“No, at this time of year it’s Winter Wonderland, with Santa and all.”  I heard Effie chanting “Santa Claus! Santa Claus!” in the background and I could hear an adult’s feminine voice speaking, although I couldn’t decipher the words.

“It’s ok, Mom.  It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have said the name.  I know better.” So it was his mother speaking behind him.  To me, he said, “Ok, Effie wants to go meet the man in the red suit and I told her earlier that we could go tonight.  Can you meet us at the mall around six?”  I checked my watch.  It was already five o’clock and I was expected to be around for dinner.  I had a feeling my mom would understand though.

“Six o’clock, it is, Simon.  I’ll meet you by Santa, then?”

“By Santa. Six o’clock.  Don’t give up on me until six thirty, if I’m not there on time. I’m still getting the hang of getting places on time with two kids in tow.” Again that droll humor was apparent in his voice.

“Alright, Simon.  I’ll see you there.  Bye for now.” I listen to him say goodbye and then I hung up the phone.  I stared out over the backyard where I’d spent many hours playing as a child.  And over on the porch, to my left, was the old porch swing where Simon and I had spent hours snuggling as teenagers.  Before that, I remember cuddling up between my dad and my sisters in that swing.  We used to sit out there on dark summer nights and look out at the fireflies flashing in the yard.  I went and sat down on it now, swinging gently back and forth.  I sighed.

I didn’t know what I was hoping to accomplish by meeting Simon’s daughters.  I didn’t know what I wanted from Simon.  There were emotions stirring in my heart that hadn’t moved since I had left Simon behind and gone to college.  Was that why they were dancing now?  Did I need Simon to bring that part of my heart to life?  I groaned, I just didn’t know.  What I did know was that I needed to go make my excuses to the family and get out the door to the mall so that I wasn’t late.

Part Three:

I looked around the chaos surrounding me.  It’d be an amazing feat if I could find Simon and his children in the press of people that were thronging in the center of the mall.  Santa held court in the middle of it all, his winter wonderland was the only place in the mall not filled with a press of impatient bodies.  I saw a couple getting up from a spot on the wall surrounding Santa’s peaceful haven and quickly moved to take their place.  I was close enough to the long line of short tempered parents and screaming children that I could keep watch for Simon, but not so close that I was being deafened by the wailing.  Watching one mother try to coax her reluctant toddler closer to Santa, I shook my head.  I promised myself that I’d never inflict the experience on one of my children for the sake of a photo with a man wearing a fake beard.

Christmas music blared from somewhere above, competing with the chatter of all of the people.  I began to wonder if it was worth trying to see Simon here.  It was too noisy to be able to speak with him, if I ever even found him.  I sighed and sipped from the hot chocolate I’d bought on my way through the mall.  It was still hot enough to scald my tongue, so I held the paper cup in my hands to keep them warm.  It wasn’t all that cold in the mall, but my hands had felt icy since the earlier phone conversation with Simon.

I checked my watch for the third time.  Six fifteen, it said, and still no sign of Simon and his children. I sighed and shifted on my hard seat.

“There she is,” Simon’s voice cut clearly over the din.  I turned my head to look and saw him just a few feet away.  Riding his hip was a little girl, her brown curls caught up in two little pigtails.  Her big brown eyes were scanning everything around her, as if she was fascinated by all of the sights and sounds.  I guessed she looked more like her mother, since I could find little of Simon in her features.

I looked towards Simon and saw a defiance in his expression that I couldn’t explain.  He lifted his chin and stepped closer to me, the people milling between us seemed to melt away.  I could help but run my gaze over his body.  He’d filled out since we had dated and he was now taller, broader of shoulder, with more defined muscles.  He had been a handsome, wholesome teenager, but now he was a rugged man with an aura of tragedy clinging to him.  Maybe it was just that I knew about his wife that I thought that, though.

“Daddy!” A high pitched voice wailed from behind him and he turned.  He reached a hand out and another little girl with the same big brown eyes and curly dark hair stepped forward.  She wore a fancy dress, with tights and black patent leather shoes.  She looked at her father with wide eyes.  “Daddy, me and Grammy didn’t like that.  Why did you runned?”  I looked back to him in time to see his cheeks flushing red and I grinned.

“I didn’t want my friend to think I’d forgotten about her, Effie.  I told you that we were running late.” His eyes met mine and he smiled wryly.  I looked at him, holding one daughter and grasping the hand of the other, with his mouth quirked in a small grin and I felt like I’d seen it all before.  It was like a vision from my teen-aged dreams of happily ever after and it made me want to cry for what we’d lost because of my fear and inability to talk with him about it.  I clutched my cup of hot cocoa tightly, staring at the black lid so I didn’t give away my thoughts to Simon.

“Effie, this is my friend Dana. Say hi.”  I looked up to find that the little girl’s eyes were  narrowed as she studied me.  After a minute of intense scrutiny, her suspicions seemed to melt away.  She smiled brightly and chirped, “Hi!”  I smiled at her and said hello.  She hid part of her body behind Simon’s leg but continued to study me and smile at me.

“And this is Bridget.”  He nodded to the baby in his arms who waved her arms and said, “Dadadadada!”  I grinned at that.

“They are beautiful, Simon,” I said.

“Thank you.  And you remember my mom, right? Mom, come up here where Dana can see you.” His mother stepped from behind him and she glared at me.  I was taken back by the hostile expression she turned on me.

“Dana. It’s…nice to see you again.”  It was obvious that Simon’s mother was gritting her teeth against some harsh words that were longing to escape from her.  I sighed and figured I’d never live down the insult I’d given to her son years ago.

“It’s great to see you, Mrs. Wright.” It was good to see her, I didn’t lie.  She had been a second mother to me through high school, and I think I had broken her heart along with Simon’s when I’d broken up with him.

“I hope you haven’t been waiting long,” Simon said.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” Effie was tugging on Simon’s pants.  “Look, Daddy!  There’s Santa! I want to go say hi to him!”  She let go of Simon and took off through the crowd towards Santa.  Simon shouted “No! Effie!”

He suddenly shoved the baby into my arms and took off at a run to catch up with Effie.  Her pigtails were flying behind her and she shouted, “Santa!”  I hastily set the hot chocolate down on the wall and stood up to hold the baby more easily.

The baby in my arms wiggled and I turned my attention to her. Up close, I could see that her hair was actually more red than brown.  She looked at me, her eyes wide. I thought she seemed to be trying to decide what to make of me. I jiggled her up and down, settling her on my hip and she grabbed a hold of my shirt to keep her balance.

“Dada?” she said.

“Daddy will be right back, Bridget,” I said.  I figured it was only a matter of time until she started howling at me, a stranger, holding her.  I looked at Mrs. Wright and she seemed tensed and ready to grab the baby from me at the slightest sign of distress.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Wright.” I said softly.  Her eyes darted to my face and she frowned.

“What are you sorry for?” she asked.

“Everything.  For the distant past when I hurt Si so much, and for the more recent past, when your family suffered such a loss.” I nodded at the baby in my arms.

“Well, Dana, I’d like to say it’s just a part of life, but truthfully, I’m still angry at you for how you hurt him.  As for Simon’s wife, well, none of that was your fault.  You, at least, had the decency to leave him alone when you decided to discard him.  Not like some girls that hang all over their exes and never let them move on.”  Mrs. Wright sniffed disdainfully.  I had the feeling there was someone in particular she was referring to, but I didn’t dare ask about it.

The baby in my arms cooed softly and snuggled her head against me.  She was warm and soft.  She smelled like baby powder.  I realized I was rocking back and forth in that comforting way I’d seen my sisters use when they had babies.  I’d teased them for their “mommy dance” when their kids were young and they’d always said, “Just wait, Dana! You’ll see!  You’ll do it without even thinking of it.”  I’d never noticed myself doing it when holding their babies, but here I was holding Simon’s baby and unconsciously rocking.  I suddenly found it hard to breathe.  I couldn’t help but settle the baby closer and lean my cheek against her soft hair.  My eyes closed and I inhaled her clean baby scent.  I felt like I’d been given a glimpse of heaven.

Part Four:

“Well, I guess Bridget likes you.”  I turned to see Simon standing there, holding Effie in his arms.  Her face was red and she hiccuped, as if she’d been crying.  I looked down at the baby in my arms and realized that she’d not only snuggled up but she’d also fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry.  I hope it’s ok for her to nap right now.”  I couldn’t help but smile down at Bridget.  I looked up and met Simon’s eyes, and realized how awkward this situation was.  Maybe meeting his daughters hadn’t been such a bright idea.

In that same moment, a woman dressed in a Christmas sweater with tiny blinking lights on it stopped near us.  She said, “Oh, aren’t you just the most beautiful family!  Those two precious little girls!  Why they must be your dearest treasures, aren’t they, Mommy?” I blushed beet red and turned to Simon helplessly.  His face was drained white and he gritted, “Thank you,” past his teeth.  Simon’s mom stepped forward and said, “We’re having a bit of a hard time with our little toddler. She’s so excited to be meeting Santa, you know. I hope you’ll excuse us now.”  She turned and ushered me, carrying Bridget, and Simon with Effie in the direction opposite of the two cooing women.  Meeting Simon and his children at the mall was definitely a bad idea.

“Thanks, Mom,” Simon said with heartfelt gratitude.  Effie suddenly wailed, “You said I could say hi to Santa!”  Simon sighed and I could see he was about at his wit’s end.  His daughter was definitely a headstrong little thing.

“Yes, yes, you can see him,” Mrs. Wright reassured the little girl.  Effie lunged for her grandmother’s arms and Mrs. Wright lovingly caught her up.  “I wants you take me, Gamma.  You take me to see Santa Claus!”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, Effie, if it’s ok with your father.” Simon and I both stared at Mrs. Wright in astonishment. She said, “If I’m not mistaken, the two of you have some talking to do.  I’ll stay here in line with Effie if you want to go to that coffee shop we saw down the way.”  I rubbed my head lightly against Bridget’s hair again as I studied Mrs. Wright.  I was puzzled.  A few minutes ago, she was hostile towards me.  Now she was sending me off virtually alone with Simon.  I couldn’t understand why, but I was grateful to her.  I did want some time to talk with him, without an audience.  Maybe this situation could be redeemed after all. Although, baby Bridget sleeping in my arms was a pretty good compensation for the awkwardness of it all.

“I don’t know, Mom.  I mean, I should be here for Effie when she gets her picture taken.” Simon frowned.

“Gamma! Gamma! Santa! Gamma, I want see Santa now!!” Effie bounced in her grandmother’s arms, squirming with excitement. Mrs. Wright raised an eyebrow at Simon.

“Effie, honey, do you want me to go with you to see Santa?” Simon asked his daughter.

“No. I want Gamma!  C’mon, Gamma, let’s go! Bye, Daddy!”

“Well, I guess that settles it then,” Simon said wryly. “Do you want to meet us at the coffee shop or shall we come back here?” He asked his mother.

“Who knows how long this will take?   We’ll come find you at the coffee shop when we’re done!”  With that, Mrs. Wright set Effie down and took her hand.  Effie led her to the end of the line where they took their place to wait.

Simon looked at his tiny daughter snuggled into my arms and shook his head.  “Do you want me to take her, Dana?  I know she can get heavy.”

“No, she’s fine,” I said quickly.  “If you don’t mind me holding her awhile longer, that is.”  I thought maybe he was unhappy that both of his daughters seemed to have defected.

“It’s fine. I’m kind of happy to see her happy enough to fall asleep there.  She couldn’t have fussed at all or she wouldn’t have been out so quickly.  Although, I admit that I think both of my children are little traitors.”  We were weaving our way through the crowds and it made hearing each other near to impossible.  Maybe I misheard that last sentence, but I didn’t think so.  I just followed silently behind his broad back, carefully cradling my precious cargo against my shoulder.

Part Five:

The coffee shop was as crowded as the rest of the mall, but it somehow still managed to seem like a peaceful haven from the chaos.  By the time we’d gotten our drinks, two seats had opened up on a love seat in the corner.  There were soft lights shining down on it, meant for reading, but it was otherwise a dark corner of the small store.  We sat down and found ourselves so close together, I almost shoved little Bridget into his arms and ran.  Our bodies were touching from hip to knee and the love seat was small enough that there was no way to get away from each other.  Our arms were also pressed together from shoulder to elbow.  I sat stiffly, trying to lean away from him.

He softly cursed. “This is ridiculous, Dana.  We used to sit closer than this and not bat an eyelash! We used to seek it out!  We can certainly stand to touch for a little while so that we can talk.” His arm suddenly lifted and curved around my shoulders and pulled me closer.  I closed my eyes and fought the urge to lean my head into the curve of his neck.  The years fell away and I once more felt that I’d come home, that I was where I was supposed to be.

I stiffened, pulled away and shifted so that my back was against the arm of the love seat.  I curled my leg up, tucked my foot under my other knee, and left one leg dangling off the side of the couch.  I snuggled into the corner of the couch, using the back to help hold the weight of the baby in my arms.  She was getting heavy after so long, but I wasn’t about to give her up.  I was hiding behind her, using her to shield myself from the feelings this man caused in me.

“I can’t blithely pretend life hasn’t moved on, Simon, and I know you can’t either.” I stared a challenge at him and after a minute, he looked away.

“You’re right.  I have never forgotten how you threw me aside.” His eyes rushed up to meet mine, and I caught my breath.   I’m not sure I’d ever believed that eyes were the window of the soul until that moment, when I was sure I could see more hurt and pain in the depths of his blue eyes than he would ever want me to glimpse. I wanted to cry. He said, “Why, Dana? That’s what I never understood.  We were growing closer, not farther apart.  And we knew we were facing a test of our relationship with the distance between our schools.  And then, with a swift kick straight to my heart, you just said we were over.  There was no ‘we’ anymore.”

I looked away. I studied the top of the baby’s head because I couldn’t stand to see the anguish in his eyes. I tried to gather my thoughts to defend the decision I’d made.  It didn’t seem like a logical decision now.

“I’m sorry, Si.  I really am.  I did what I felt was right at the time,” I said.

“But, why?  Just answer me that.  What was the real reason? Maybe if I know that I can let it go.” I laid my head against Bridget’s hair and closed my eyes.  My throat tightened and my eyes burned, but I told myself I wouldn’t, couldn’t, cry.

“I was scared,” I whispered through the threatening tears.

“Of me?” He asked incredulously.  I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“No, of this,” I nodded my head at Bridget. “Do you remember when my period was late and we thought I was pregnant?”

He nodded wordlessly.

“Well, I just knew that if we kept up like we had been, it would be true before too long,” I said.

“I would have loved that, Dana! I always wanted to marry you and have a family with you. I thought you wanted that too.” His voice was soft and rough, scraping like sandpaper against my raw emotions.

“I did, Simon. I wanted it. But I wanted it in the future. After we’d finished college and started our careers.  I didn’t want either of us to miss out on our freedom because we made a mistake one day in the heat of the moment.” I looked at him, hoping he’d understand.

“You just up and made this decision without talking with me about it?  What the hell is that about, Dana?” He frowned at me.

“I’m sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am.” I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn, I thought. I was crying.

“I’m sorry too.  If you’d talked with me about how you felt…damn. If I’d known how you felt, we could have done something about it!”

“What could we have done? Seriously, when we got to see each other over weekends and on breaks, it was all we could do to keep our hands off of each other during a dinner with our families! What would you have changed?” I looked around, hoping our emotional exchange wasn’t drawing attention. We had been speaking quietly, but I was worried someone would see my tears or sense the intensity and interfere.  This conversation would have been better somewhere private.

“I don’t know, but I would have thought of something. Instead you took the option out of my hands.”  He sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees and jamming his hands through his dark hair.  He snorted suddenly.

“The hell of it is that I can’t even regret that it happened the way it did.  If you hadn’t dumped me, I never would have hooked up with Mary, and I never would have had my girls.”  He turned and stared at me. I raised an eyebrow.

“My girls are precious to me,” he said. “I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

“I understand, Simon.  You must have loved their mother very much.” My tears were finally slowing down and I was happy to move on to a subject a little less hard on my heart.  Although, in actuality, it killed me that he’d found love with another woman.  He’d made a life and a family with someone else, and I was still trying to find a man who could compare to my memories of him.

He laughed harshly. “Loved her? No, not that.  The one decent thing she did in our life together was give me Bridget and Effie.  In everything else, she was a selfish bitch.”

My mouth gaped open in shock.  “What?” I said.

Then we heard Effie’s voice rising above the murmur of the crowd in the shop, “Daddy! Daddy! I saw Santa Claus!” And then her little body was hurtling into him for a hug.  She expected him to catch her and he didn’t let her down. He scooped her into his arms and squeezed her tight, burying his face in her neck. I could hear the exuberant smacking kisses he was leaving there.  She giggled and squirmed in his arms.

“What was he like, Effie?” He asked her as he let her slide back to the floor.  She grinned at him and danced around in a circle.

“He was wonderful!” She enunciated carefully.  He grinned at Effie and then looked up as his mother joined them.  She carried a small bag which held the photographer’s logo on it.

“She loved every minute of it, Simon. She stood very nicely in line and waited her turn patiently.  Well, impatiently,” Mrs. Wright smiled at her little granddaughter. “But, she did wait. And when it was her turn, she talked poor Santa’s ear off.”

“What did you say to him, Effie?” He asked her.

“I asked for a new mommy.” The little girl announced loudly.  Simon, me and his mom just stared at her.  Effie watched me.  Suddenly, the conversation Simon and I had shared, the weight of the lovely little baby in my arms, and the hopes of that small four year old all overwhelmed me.  I shot off the couch, thrust Bridget at Simon’s mom and muttered hasty goodbyes as I rushed away from the small family.  What was I thinking earlier?  I could have lived without meeting Simon’s children! Talking with him about our past could have waited an eternity.  Going to the mall that day had been a very bad idea.

Part Six:

As the next couple of days of my vacation drifted by, I began to feel that my running out of the mall in response to Effie’s announcement had been an even worse idea than going to the mall itself. I was mortified by how I’d exposed my own fears and fantasies to Simon and his mother.  I was the only one of my siblings not yet married with children.  It wasn’t for lack of desire to be a wife and a mother, but for lack of desirable men.  Standing there in that mall with Simon and his children, even being mistaken for a part of their family, it had given me a chance to pretend.  For just a few minutes I’d been able to fool myself into believing that Simon was still the love of my life and that his children were also mine.  When Effie had announced that she wanted a mother and had clearly been pegging me for the job, I felt as if all of my innermost fantasies were on view to the world.  I could not imagine how or why Effie had decided I would be a good mother for her.  She had only just met me.

I had heard that children were good judges of character, but I’d never thought they could read minds! It had felt like she had not only spoken of her own desire for a new mom, but that she’d somehow sensed that my own dearest wish was to be a wife and a mother.  The feeling was totally illogical and made no sense, but it still haunted me. Especially because I couldn’t remember feeling the overwhelming domestic urges when I’d been in California.  Apparently, it had taken coming home and running into Simon to make my biological clock begin ticking so loudly.

“Aunt Dana, why aren’t you married?” My very serious eight year old niece, Rebecca, asked me, startling me out of my thoughts.  I had been staring off into space, ignoring my family all around me. My nieces and nephews were scattered in groups on the floor around the room, playing everything from cars to board games. The oldest of my nephews, sixteen year old Jake, turned from his card game and said, “Don’t you know it’s rude to ask things like that?”

“It’s alright, Jake.  I’m not married because I haven’t found anyone I want to spend my life with, Rebecca.”  My niece tilted her head to the side and, looking at me very seriously, she frowned.

“Have you ever been in love?” She asked.

“Yes, I have.”

“Didn’t you want to be with that person forever?” Ah, the innocence of youth, I thought.

“I did for awhile, but things changed,” I said.  Far be it from me to spoil a young girl’s dreams of happily ever after.  I knew her parents set an example of love that was hard to beat.  They’d been together since high school, over fifteen years now.  I had yet to see a sign of their honeymoon actually ending.  It was actually pretty disgusting from my point of view, how they were always cuddling together and joking around.  Well, it was disgusting in that  “I’m so jealous my skin is green” kind of way. I sighed.

“I don’t understand how things could change,” she said.  “I mean, I thought true love lasted forever and that love could defeat anything.” She sounded truly puzzled.  I looked around for her mother or father, hoping they could rescue me.  Instead, I found my mom watching me.  She came over to us and spoke quietly.

“Sometimes, darling, even though two people love each other very much, they can’t see how that love will keep them together.  So, they give up in the face of difficulties that seem too hard.  If they’d looked to their love, and to each other, they’d have seen that the difficulties were not so overwhelming.”  Even though my mom was directing her speech towards my niece, I knew she was talking to me.  I frowned.  What did she know about it all, I wondered.  I stood up, murmured “excuse me”, and headed to the door.

“Where are you headed, Dana?” My mother asked.

“I think I’m going to take a walk and say good bye to some of my favorite places, maybe do some thinking.  It’s hard to think with everyone crowded in here ” I gestured towards the kids sprawled on the floor chattering as they played, the adults gathered in the kitchen chatting and laughing loudly, and the toddlers and preschoolers, happily careening around amongst everyone. They were stealing sips from drinks, nibbles from plates and hugs and kisses wherever they could find them. There were lots of hugs and kisses being handed out.

My mother nodded, “Dinner’s going to be in about half an hour.  Don’t be too long.”

“Ok, Mom,” I said.  I dug through the pile of coats and found my warm, cozy coat buried halfway down.  I grabbed a soft, fuzzy scarf, a bright red hat and some mittens I was pretty sure my sister had knitted. I didn’t really pay attention to who each item belonged to.  I only cared that they’d keep me warm.  It had gotten cold and windy through the afternoon.  I could feel the heavy expectancy hanging on the breeze, as if nature was waiting breathlessly for more snow to fall.

I followed the path my family had trampled in the old snow.  It led to the woods on the edge of my parents’ property. I frowned because I realized that I may not have too many more times to tramp this path before Mom and Dad had their house sold.

Just a few yards into the woods, the path became a wooden bridge which crossed over a tiny frozen stream.  I stopped on the bridge and leaned against the railing, looking out into the woods.  It was almost full dark, but I could still see the outlines of the tree branches against the white of the snow.  I heard the creaking of the branches, and the whisper of the breeze.  The tiny stream was silent, frozen in glittering splendor beneath me.  I’d spent many hours exploring that stream with my siblings and friends.  Simon and I had wandered it’s length together many times, catching tiny crayfish from under their rocks and splashing through the gentle flow.

I remembered the times we’d sat on that bridge, talking and occasionally kissing.  Back when my siblings and I were younger, my dad had kept the woods trimmed back farther so that the stream and the bridge were mostly visible from the house.  I remembered how Simon and I would get lost in the kisses while sitting on that bridge, forgetting to talk or even to come up for air. Invariably, before too long one of my parents would call us in for a snack or to help with something, breaking the sexual tension in the air and cooling our arousal.

When I was much younger, I’d asked my mom why she kept asking my sister, sitting on the porch swing with her boyfriend, if she wanted a drink.  Mom was never the sort to wait on us, so it seemed an odd thing for her to do.  Mom had said, “Dana, you’ll find when you’re older, that teenage love is a very powerful, emotional sort of love.  It has great potential, but only if it’s given the proper kind of attention.  I’m just helping to make sure your sister’s love is given the sort of attention that helps it realize it’s full potential.”  I hadn’t understood then, but now I realized that my sister had married that boyfriend and was still happy with him years later.  My parents had probably done something right, I figured, by encouraging them to talk instead of touch in the early days of their romance.

I watched my breath puff out into the cold air.  I remembered the conversations Simon and I had had, often punctuated by flirting and laughter and teasing.  We had been sitting on the bridge in the late summer before we went to college when we’d first talked really seriously about getting married.  He had taken my hand on to his lap, lacing our fingers together.  He’d stared at our entwined hands very seriously before looking up into my eyes.

“We’re going to be apart soon.” I had nodded. He had squeezed my hands.

“You will marry me, won’t you, Dana?” He’d asked abruptly.  He’d always been like that, leaping from one topic to another.  It had been such a challenge to keep up with his lightening quick thought processes.

“Of course I will, once we finish with college.” I had smiled into his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him.

Two months later, I’d broken up with him over the phone.  It had broken my heart to hear his tears and I’d had tears racing down my face when I’d done it.  Now I wondered: Had I been too quick to give in to my fears?  Had I been unfair and unfaithful to our relationship by doubting it’s ability to survive the challenges of distance and accidents? I sighed now, and realized I had tears rolling down my cheeks.  Of all the mistakes I’d made in my life, breaking up with him after that pregnancy scare was probably the one I regretted the most.

I still compared all men to him, mentally sizing them up to his humor, his caring, his good looks, and his loving.  Not a single one had ever lived up to the standards he had set.  Not a single one of the men I had dated in the last ten years had ever made me long for marriage and babies.  But ten minutes after seeing him again, my brain had latched on to the idea with such strength that I had been dreaming of the possibilities in the middle of a crowded mall!

I heard a voice yelling, “Dinner!” from the house and sighed.  I had a decision or two to make.  Did I go back to California and my life there and hope to forget about Simon once more? Or did I take a chance, a risk, and talk to him about the possibility of dating him again…of possibly marrying him?  What if he already had a girlfriend or a fiance?  What if he just didn’t want me anymore?

As I trudged back up the hill, wiping the evidence of the tears from my face, I had an incredible thought.  Maybe, just maybe, the thought could be turned into a plan.  I began to ponder the possibilities in my head, feeling like a devious cartoon villain, rubbing my hands together, greedily seeing all my dreams and aspirations coming true.

Part Seven:

As soon as dinner was over, I got Simon’s phone number and called him.  My tummy was full of butterflies and I was afraid my voice would shake when I got on the phone.  I once more went out on the cold porch to get away from the noise of the family crowding the house, bringing a cozy quilt along with me so I could curl up on the porch swing.  As I listened to the ringing on the line, I took a deep breath and braced myself much as I would before a major presentation.  Show no fear, I told myself.

“Hello?” Simon answered. I tried to say hello back, but my voice croaked.  I cleared my throat and tried again.

“Hi, Simon?”

“Dana. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you again,” he said.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. That scene at the mall was embarrassing.” Damn. Did he have to bring that up?  Did I have to mention it? We needed to move on quickly, so I didn’t blunder into revealing something I didn’t want to reveal.

“No, I’m sorry.  You never know what will come out of a four year old’s mouth, but I never would have dreamed Effie would say what she did.” He sounded rueful.

“Kids say the darnedest things,” I muttered. Maybe humor, I thought, would get me out of this part of the conversation sooner.

Simon snorted and agreed.

“Anyhow, that’s not really why I called, Simon,” I said, changing the subject.

“Ok. What’s up?” He replied.

“Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve.  Would you like to come over for dinner?  My mom would especially like to meet your daughters and catch up with your mom. I think she even misses you.” I grinned.

“Didn’t you say everyone is home for the holidays?” He asked.

“Yeah, my brother and sisters, all of their spouses and children are here.  There will be plenty of other kids for Effie to play with, so she won’t get bored.”

“Ah, she never gets bored anyhow.  She always has some plot hatching in her brain.”

“Sounds a lot like you,” I teased him.

He laughed and said, “Yes, I guess she is.” He paused. “Did your mom ask you to invite me? I don’t want to come if it will be uncomfortable for you.”

“It was my idea, actually.  You and I didn’t have much of a chance to talk the other day, and I feel like there’s still something to be said.  I thought with all of the willing hands here to watch the girls and keep your parents occupied, we might be able to slip away for a little while to talk.”

“Kind of like in the old days,” he said softly.  I snuggled deeper into the quilt, tucking my cold toes into its warmth. I sighed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Oh, nothing. I was just trying to get warmer.” I didn’t think I’d sighed so loudly.

“Warmer?  Are you outside?”

“Yes, on the porch swing, under a quilt.”

“Oh.” He fell silent.

“Simon?”

“Yeah, Dana?”

“Do you remember curling up under the quilt with me that time, after we’d gone ice skating?” I spoke softly, afraid he’d forgotten what I’d always remembered as one of the most beautiful nights of my life.  We had laughed and teased all afternoon, exhilarated by the skating.   I had been aroused by every accidental touch, not to mention all of the purposeful touching he and I had done all day.  By the time we’d gone back to my parents’ house for dinner, I had felt like a guitar string that was wound too tight. During dinner, Simon had sat beside me, with his thigh and shoulders brushing against mine.  Neither of us had been able to talk very coherently through dinner.  Afterwards, we’d helped clear the table in a hurry and then retreated to the porch swing.  It was too dark and cold outside for my mom to let us go down to the bridge that night.

Simon groaned, interrupting my memories, “Yes, I remember.  I don’t know how I remember anything from the day though.  My blood was definitely not flowing to my brain then.” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I remember how we cuddled together under that blanket.” I stopped.  Even with my mom peeking through the window occasionally to check on us, he had managed to put his hands on bare skin and touch all sorts of places I’d never let a guy touch before.  It had been electrifying and beautiful.

“I remember,” he said roughly. “I have to go, Dana.  I’m sorry.  I, uh, have to put Effie to bed.” I heard him gulp.

I closed my eyes and smiled with satisfaction.  “Ok, Simon.  You’ll come tomorrow, right?”

He coughed, and I had to hold back the chuckle that was threatening to bust from my belly.  I had purposefully used the phrase with the double meaning, but I wanted him to think it was all in innocence.

“Um, yeah, I think so.  That is, I need to check with my folks about joining you guys, but I think they miss your parents too.  I bet they’ll say yes.” He spoke quickly, as if trying to talk his brain out of the gutter into which, I was sure, it had fallen.  I could not stop grinning.

“Ok. Well, call me if there are any problems.  We’ll be around all day, so you’re welcome to come,” I paused and swallowed another laugh. “You’re welcome over here any time tomorrow.”

“Bye, Dana.” He said.

“Sleep well, Simon!” I hung up the phone and grinned into the darkness, wanting to laugh and laugh.  The butterflies had settled down after the first few exchanges and all that was left now was the satisfaction of a job well done.

Phase one of my plan was in action: convincing Simon that he was in love with me still or again or whatever.  I figured I needed to dredge up all of the good memories to get him back in that groove.  And we’d have to make some new memories too, so tomorrow we’d have to take a walk to the bridge and hope none of my siblings got there before we did.  I snuggled into the quilt, wrapping my arms around my belly.  I looked out into the darkness of the night, feeling warm despite the cold breeze nipping at my nose.  I contemplated my plot for the future and hoped that I could pull it off.  Getting Simon to fall in love with me again seemed the easiest part of the plan right at that moment.

Part Eight:

Simon’s parents and children were quickly enveloped into the warm embrace of my family.  All of my siblings and most of their spouses remembered Simon and his parents from when we were younger.  His children were adorable and needed no more than that to get by with my family, who all loved kids.  Simon was also embraced, although a little more tentatively.  I didn’t think I had ever told anyone why he and I had broken up.  I had just come home one weekend and I was no longer spending all of my time with him. Still, my mother hugged him warmly and my father shook his hand heartily.  They spoke at length, catching up on the past years.

Finally, everyone was occupied, my parents had finished speaking with Simon and moved their attention on to his parents, so I caught his eye and nodded to the door.  He nodded back and we both excused ourselves in that direction.  He took the time to let his mother know where he was going so that she could keep an ear out for the kids; they were happy being entertained by all of my nieces and nephews.  To my surprise, Jake was the one holding Bridget, his almost-adult voice cracking a bit as he cooed at her.  She kept reaching for his ears and he was grinning at her. I smiled as I bundled up in my cold weather gear.

I stepped on the porch and Simon followed, still sliding his arms into his coat.  We silently tromped through the snow down to the bridge.  The world was quiet, hushed by the snow which reflected its brilliance and blinded us.  I wished briefly for my sunglasses.  Then we had entered the woods and the bare branches of the trees helped shield us from the glare.

When we got to the bridge, I stopped and leaned my elbows against the railing, leaning forward over it to look down at the stream below.  I kept my eyes focused on the frozen stream as Simon stopped beside me.  He leaned his back against the railing, his arm just an inch or two from mine.

Slowly, I looked over at him and found him watching me closely.  I lifted an eyebrow at him. He just shook his head and looked away.

“So, Dana, you hugged my mom.  You hugged Bridget. You hugged Effie.  You even hugged my father, when we got to the house today.  You did not, however, hug me.” He sounded petulant, like a small child feeling left out of a game.

“Do you want me to hug you?” I asked, teasingly.

“Sometimes.  Sometimes just talking to you brings back an awful lot of memories I wish weren’t being dredged up.  But sometimes, I just want it to be the way it used to, all laughter and hugs and fun.” He sighed. I knew the conversation was turning serious.

“Sometimes I wish I could go back and do it all over again. You know what I mean?” I said.

“I’ve thought that myself, too.  I always wondered if I’d made more an effort when we were apart at school, if you would have made the decision you had. Since the other night at the mall, though, I’ve had to think again.  I don’t know if anything I could have done would have changed the way you felt and acted at that point.” He sighed. I sighed too.  This conversation wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go.  Think happy thoughts, I told myself.

“Do you believe in second chances?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Would you be willing to give me a second chance now?  Even after all of these years?” I looked at him steadily, meeting his eyes and not wavering.  I wanted him to know I was asking that question in all seriousness, not out of idleness.

“I can’t imagine why you’d want to try again after so much time.  I mean, why would you want to saddle yourself with a man made bitter from bad relationships and strapped with two young children. Surely you’d rather find a man who fit more with your lifestyle.” He shrugged and looked away.

I laughed harshly. “My lifestyle?  You know what my lifestyle consists of?  I get up, go to work, come home and do my chores. I eat my dinner with just my cat for company, more often than not.  On the weekends, I try to get out to see my friends, but they are mostly married with kids now and don’t have time for me.” I snorted. “I’d be happy to find a man who could help me change my lifestyle!”

He looked back at me with narrowed eyes. “So, why don’t you?”

I looked away and frowned. How honest could I be, I wondered.  I hadn’t anticipated having to bare my most buried secrets to him to get him to take me seriously. I sighed.

“Dana?  You’re an attractive woman, I can’t deny that even now.  Why aren’t you married with babies, yet?” He asked it quietly, without aggression or sarcasm.  If he had used any other tone of voice, I might have chosen not to answer.  But his deep voice rasping with concern and curious question was not something I could deny.

“I think I lost my heart a long time ago, Simon.” I looked away into the woods, feeling my throat close with tears. “I’ve never found anyone who was able to help me reclaim it from you.” I fell silent for a minute.  Simon was also quiet, but I could hear him breathing and see the clouds of his breath out of the corner of my eye.

After the silence had stretched for a long time, I turned back to him and said, “I feel like I’ve been going through the motions of living for years, Simon, but I haven’t felt truly alive since we broke up.  I hadn’t, anyway, until I saw you at the grocery store.”  The tears were running down my cheeks now and I could feel the sobs welling up. I covered my face with my mittened hands and put my head down on the railing.

“Dana, please. Damn, I always hated it when you cried.” His arms were suddenly going around me and he turned so that I was cuddled against his chest.  I cried harder.  I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my nose into the soft scarf at his neck.  He held me as I cried, stroking my back and murmuring quiet words in my ear.

As my tears slowed, I began to notice Simon.  I moved my head slightly so that my nose and lips were pressed against the skin of his neck. I inhaled his spicy, masculine scent and, without giving it any thought, flicked my tongue against his skin to taste him.  He inhaled sharply and pulled away.  He looked down at me, his hands cupping my elbows.  He searched my face for a minute and then I could see him surrender.

He slid his hands around me and leaned in to kiss me. I tilted my head up to him and returned the kiss. It was a careful, tentative kiss.  Our lips barely touched, like a swimmer dipping his toes into the pool to test the temperature.  Then, he groaned and pulled me closer.  My head tipped back as far as it would go as he deepened the kiss, like the swimmer diving in to the water.  It was as if all of the years of missing each other were roaring through us and meeting in that kiss.  I’d never felt anything like it.  Just a few minutes before I’d been worrying about baring my soul to Simon, but this kiss went beyond soul-baring. I couldn’t hide my desire for him, my love for him, nor my need for him from him or from myself.  I was surprised to find that it didn’t scare me, because at the same time I was showing him these feelings, he was returning them.  It felt like a meeting of souls.

He finally pulled back from me, cupping my face in his hands and looking into my eyes.  “I think,” he said very softly, “that we will have our second chance.” He kissed me softly one more time and then snuggled me close to him.  We stood there for quite awhile, surrounded by the woods, just holding each other.  We did not speak, we just stood there wrapped in each other’s arms, savoring the feeling of being in each other’s arms again.

On one level, I was absorbed in Simon and the feelings being held by him evoked.  On another level, my mind was racing.  Phase one had been accomplished spectacularly, but phase two loomed.  I would have to get on the phone or email my boss and find out if I could telecommute for awhile. I would need to contact my friend who was caring for my cat during my vacation and ask if she could do it awhile longer.  I would have to talk with my parents about staying longer, and also about the possibility of buying thier house.  I wasn’t sure why, but buying their house and raising a family there was important to me.  I was determined that phase two would lead me to the buying of my family home.  Then I just had to convince Simon that he and I should get married and raise a family there. I sighed and snuggled closer in Simon’s arms, squeezing him tight.

Part Nine:

Christmas morning was spent with my family, enjoying the kids’ reactions to their gifts.  The only drawback was that the kids got everyone up at five in the morning.  I’d have been happy to wait until eight!  Still, their parents had done a good job of finding just the right gifts and the crows of glee and dancing around in excitement were fun to watch.  My parents sat quietly, for the most part, smiling at the whole family together that way.  I could tell that having us all together for the holiday was the best gift any of us could have given them.

In the aftermath of the gift opening, we had brunch and examined favorite gifts together.  It was a quiet time. Some people drifted off for naps, others took walks.  I found myself curled up on the window seat in my mom’s favorite room.  She called it her Sun Room, because it was lined with South facing windows and was usually warm with sunlight.  She used it for craft projects, reading, doing puzzles, or whatever it was that she felt like doing.  It was the one part of the house, except perhaps the kitchen, which she claimed as her own.  When we were kids, it had been our playroom, but it hadn’t had nearly so many windows then.  My dad had remodeled it as a twenty fifth wedding anniversary gift to her, because he knew how much she loved the sun and wanted a room that was just hers.  He’d always had the garage to retreat to when he wanted time alone.  She did not have any such room when us kids were growing up.

I closed my eyes against the brilliance of the snow and sunlight, soaking up the warmth.  I sighed.  Pleasant as all of the family togetherness had been that morning, I was uncomfortably aware that I was the only unattached sibling, the only one without a smaller family unit to lavish love upon.  Even my parents had each other. Yesterday had felt different.  Yesterday, I’d had Simon and his daughters here, and his parents too. I had been able to attach myself to their family with relative ease and hadn’t felt so left out of my own family as a result. Simon and I had not been blatant in our attentions towards one another.  Only once had we even touched once we’d gone back to the house, and that had been when we’d said goodbye with a hug.  Perhaps it had lasted a moment too long, or perhaps it had felt so much like coming home that that had communicated itself to others.  Whatever it was that had alerted my sisters, they had converged on me in the kitchen once the youngsters were asleep.  The chattering trio had tried to interrogate me about my intentions and his intentions, and all sorts of other nonsense.  They’d even tried to dig into why he and I had broken up in the first place.  When I was finally sick of fielding their quizzing questions, my mother came into the room and put a stop to it with quiet words.  She’d said, “Girls, whatever Simon and Dana have between them now or had between them in the past, it is theirs.  Leave her be.  You have your own loves to worry about.” And with the obedience of our youth, they’d backed off, and gone to find their husbands.  I’d given my mom a hug and headed for my own bed. I was in no mood that night for idle chit chat or playing board games with those still awake.

I must have dozed off in the warmth of the sun because a little while later, one of my five year old nephews was standing beside me tapping my arm over and over again.  He didn’t say anything, but he tapped and tapped until my eyes opened.  Then he thrust a phone into my face and chirped, “It’s for you, Aunt Dana!”  Then he ran out of the room, cackling and calling to his cousins.

Groggily I stared at the phone. I heard a tinny voice saying, “Dana?  Are you there?  Hello?”  I put the phone to my ear and I realized it was Simon’s voice. I smiled.

“Hello, Simon.  Merry Christmas!” My voice was husky from sleep.

“Dana! Merry Christmas to you too. How was your morning?” He asked.

“Oh, you know…the kids woke us up too early, they thoroughly enjoyed their gifts and I got a big kick out of watching their excitement.  We’ve hit the afternoon lull, now.  How was your morning?”

Simon laughed and said, “Effie woke me up much too early, as well, but it was worth it to see her excitement. She was still vibrating with it after we ate lunch.  It was all I could do to convince her that she should take a nap.”

“But you were able to convince her?”

“Yes, amazingly, both she and Bridget are napping at the same time now.  My mom and dad have also wandered off to have a rest. And I’m stretched out on my bed, actually.  I was laying here thinking to nap myself, but my brain had other ideas.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.  I started to wonder what it’d be like to have you here with me, in my bed.  Is that a dangerous way to think?”

I felt myself getting warm and tingly and smiled. “I don’t think it’s dangerous, no, but I think it could lead us down a very interesting path.  Are you ready to go there again?”

I heard him exhale slowly and inhale again. He very softly said, “I think I’ve been ready for a long time, but I didn’t realize it until I held you in my arms again yesterday.  I realized I have missed you very much.”

“Ah, you’ve missed my body.” I said drily.

“No! That’s not what I meant. Well, it’s part of it.” He sighed.

“I was just teasing, Simon,” I said.

“I know, but it did come out of my mouth that way.  I didn’t mean it to.  I meant that…so much of the past ten years just blew away like so much dust on the wind when I held you yesterday.  It felt right.  Now I’m not with you and things feel off again.  Do you know what I mean?” For Simon to sound so tentative, I knew that the words he was speaking meant a lot to him, but that he hadn’t fully processed and accepted the feelings yet. I didn’t think he knew what the feelings meant in the long run.  I’m not sure I knew, except in an abstract way which related to my goal of marrying him.

“I think I understand.  I was just sitting here thinking that something was missing from the day.  I think it’s because you, Bridget and Effie aren’t here.” I sighed.

“Well, I know your family has traditions at dinnertime, but would you be able to sneak away for a little while?  You could come over here.  Then at least part of our day would feel,” he paused, “right.”

I considered his suggestion for a minute and then eagerly agreed.  We hung up as soon as I’d gotten directions to his house and then I went to change, put on my snow boots and let my mom know where I was going.  She reminded me about dinner being at five that evening and then added, “Simon and his family are more than welcome to join us again, Dana, if you feel like inviting them. Just let me know if they are coming so that the table can be properly set before they get here.” I nodded and thanked her, then rushed to my car.  I was eager to get to Simon, far more eager than I thought I should be.  I felt like a teenager again, sneaking off to be with my boyfriend, knowing that we would do things our parents would probably disapprove of.

The drive across town seemed to take forever.  The traffic was lighter than I’d expected but the roads were still icy and slick.  I had to drive far slower than the posted speed limits in order to feel safe.  Finally I pulled into his driveway.  I saw him in the picture window at the front of the house, holding the drapes back to watch the road.  I could see his lips curve in a smile as I put my car in park.

I grabbed my purse as I swung out. I almost slipped on some ice on my way up the walk, but found his arms catching me before I’d done more than skid. I smiled ruefully up at him and said, “Thanks.  I guess I’m not used to ice skating any more.” A laugh rumbled from his chest but he shook his head. “I’m sorry there was any ice to slip on. I should have salted better.” He kissed me swiftly, a hard peck on the lips, and then pulled me in to the warmth of his house.

As soon as the door was closed behind me, he turned towards me and wrapped me in his arms.  His mouth swooped down to mine.  Our kiss left me breathless with its urgency, and I could feel him breathing quickly as well.  He stared down at me, panting, our bodies aligned from shoulder to knee, and all I could think was “I love you.”  I could not bring myself to say it though because it felt like rushing things. I sighed. He frowned.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.  I shook my head and laid my head on his shoulder, burying my face against his neck.  He stroked up and down my back. Softly he said, “Would you like a tour of the house now?”

I nodded and said, “As long as it won’t disturb anyone.”

“I’ll skip those rooms, ok?” He gave me another squeeze and then released me.  He caught hold of my hand before stepping away.  He used it to tug me along after him thorugh the house.  Basement family room, kitchen, dining room, living room: he led me through all of these rooms and in a daze I admired the masculine decorations in each which were scattered with the paraphernalia of two little girls.  My attention was held far more by the warmth of his hand against mine, by the way our fingers were laced together as if we were lovers again.  I was riveted by the vibrations of his deep voice as he described each room, and by the way he rushed through each description as if he had a destination in mind.

Upstairs, in a quiet hallway he stopped in front of a closed door.  I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.  He shook his head and gently opened the door.  He released my hand and nudged me into the room ahead of him.  As I walked in, I was captivated by the large window across the room. The drapes were drawn open and the view was breathtaking.  I felt myself pulled to the view of the snow covered hills in the far distance and the lacey looking tree branches which framed the view.  I inhaled sharply, feeling as if I’d forgotten to breathe.  I smiled with delight and turned to look at Simon.  He was standing against the closed door with a small smile on his face, just watching my reaction.  This, then, was what he’d been so eager to show me throughout the house.

“It’s breathtaking, Simon! How lucky are you to have found such a place with a such a view.”

“It became far more enthralling when you walked over to stand in front of the view.”  I rolled my eyes and grinned at him.  He chuckled and strolled over to join me.  He reached past me and a door slid open where I had thought there was only a window.  He gestured me through the door but I hesitated.

“I left my coat downstairs, Simon.”

“I’ll keep you warm. Don’t worry.” He smiled and put a hand in the small of my back to push me gently through the door.

Outside, around a corner, was a private balcony which had been cleared of snow.  In the corner, what looked like a hammock was swinging in the breeze, but it was piled with blankets and pillows.  I shivered as a gust of wind whipped past us.  Simon shut the sliding glass door behind us and wrapped a warm hand around my arm and pulled me to the hammock.

“That looks like it could be a cozy nest,” I said.

“I hope so.  Want to try it out?” He grinned at me.

“I thought you wanted me in your bed?  You didn’t tell me you slept outside!”

“We could go back in there,” he gestured back the way we had come.  I shivered again and he wrapped his arms around me, sharing his body warmth.  He whispered in my ear, “Or we could cuddle under those blankets on the hammock and ignore the world around us for awhile.”

I pulled back and looked at him.  The idea was appealing, but I had a feeling we wouldn’t get any talking done if we burrowed into that warm cocoon of blankets. I thought we needed to do some talking though, before we went too far down the path of nostalgia.

“Could we just go back in the house and have some coffee or cocoa or something and talk?  Would that be ok?” I hugged him around the waist, asking him wordlessly to take things slow for me.  He sighed in disappointment and nodded.  He kept an arm wrapped around me as we walked back to the glass door.  Before we rounded the corner, I stopped to look back at the scene he’d prepared.  It was reminiscent of our cuddles on my parents’ porch swing and I loved that he’d thought of it.  I looked up at him and he raised an eyebrow in response.

“Can I take a rain check on this?” I nodded towards the hammock. He leaned down and nuzzled my neck, sliding soft kisses behind my ear.

“Absolutely,” he breathed softly.  Then he slid open the door and I walked through ahead of him.  I realized that we’d walked through his bedroom before and I hadn’t even noticed because I was too busy looking at the view.  He wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing my neck again.  I leaned back against him, closed my eyes and savored the feel of him against me.  I was about to turn around and ask for a real kiss when I heard a tiny voice wailing, “Daaaaaddddddyyyyy!”  He rested his chin on my shoulder and sighed.

“Guess I’m on duty already. Why don’t you head down to the kitchen and I’ll meet you there.  I need to get Effie before she wakes up Bridget.”  He released me and hurried out the bedroom door.  I heard him quietly greet Effie and calm her.  I wandered down the stairs to the kitchen, quietly considering all that had just happened.

Part Ten:

“He’s a nice guy.”

“But what does that mean?” My friend wailed across the phone line.  I had called her to let her know when I was
flying back home and to see if she’d pick me up at the airport. Somehow, though, we had gotten on to the subject of
Simon.

“I don’t know…he’s just a good guy.” I shrugged and rolled my eyes.

“Has he given you flowers?” She asked.

“No, not recently.” I replied. Not since our high school prom, I thought.

“Has he thrown his coat over a puddle so you don’t have to walk in the water?” She shouted.

I laughed and said, “No, I don’t think he’s ever done that.”

“What makes him a good guy, a nice guy, then?!” She questioned.

“I don’t know, Gina.  He adores his daughters, he respects his elders, he respects my boundaries, he wears decent
clothes, his house feels like a home, I can bring him home to my family and they all love him.  Does any of that
help?”

“Back up.  What boundaries did you set?  He’s this fantastic guy, you’ve known him for years, what boundaries could
you possibly set?”

“Gina, why are you so strung up about this?”  I could not remember a time when she’d sounded so excited about
something other than one of her boyfriends.

“Dana! You haven’t had a boyfriend in years and now you’re telling me about some guy back in your hometown. Of course
I’m excited for you!  Are you going to move back there?  Is he going to move out here? Tell me more!”  She had me married off to Simon already, I realized.

“We haven’t talked about any of that.  I’m not even sure if it’s that serious yet, or if it ever will be.”

“But you want it to get that serious, don’t you?” She asked in a surprisingly quiet voice.

“Honestly, I think I do.  He’s the only guy who has ever made me dream of happily ever after, you know?”

“Honey, why are you coming back here then?  You should stay there and see where it goes.”

“I have a job, and an apartment, and a cat there, remember?” It was so tempting to start thinking of moving back to
my home town.  I wish I had given it serious consideration years ago so that I could have spent more time with my parents before they moved to Florida. I sighed.

“Get a job there, get an apartment there, and move the monster cat along with all of your other stuff.” It sounded so simple when Gina suggested it.  Yet so overwhelming when I thought of actually doing it.

“I take it you and Cally haven’t been getting along?” I asked.

“Don’t get me started.  Let’s just say both the cat and I will be happy to have you back,” Gina said. “But that’s besides the point!  How does this ‘nice guy’ feel about you? Does he want you to move back?”

“I don’t know.  We avoided talking about the future the last time we talked.  I think it’s as hard for him to believe as it is for me.  He’s been married, and he has children!  It seems crazy to think about getting back together with an old girlfriend.  It’s certainly crazy to indulge in a casual affair, what with the babies to think about.  I’m so confused about it all.”  Just a few days ago, I’d been sure about what I was doing.  Marry Simon, move into my parents’ house, carry on with life. It was a good plan.  I wasn’t so sure anymore about the path I was supposed to take, and I didn’t like that.  I’d always been the sort to make plans, have goals and to accomplish them.  Simon always seemed to throw all of my self-discipline to the winds.

“Well, it will all come out alright in the end.  You’ll see.  I’ll be at the airport to pick you up tomorrow night. We’ll talk about it all then, right?”

“Yeah, tomorrow.  Thanks, Gina.”

“Hey, no problem.  What are friends for?  Take care of yourself, ok?”  I said the same to her and we hung up.

I leaned my head against the wall behind me and closed my eyes.  I had to figure out what I was doing about that Simon thing.  Was I crazy to think of marrying him?  Maybe all we had left were memories.  There were only so many times we could relive the good ol’ days, no matter how good they felt.

I was curled up in the windowseat in mom’s sun room for quite awhile, thinking.  I kept trying to wrap my head around the idea of moving back and dating Simon seriously.  Somehow, it all seemed like a silly girl’s dream compared to what reality had been the other day at his house.

Effie and I had played while Simon took care of Bridget.  I tried to chat with his parents but his mom seemed tentative about talking with me too much.  Eventually, I’d given up and given my goodbyes.  Simon and I hadn’t had another minute alone once Bridget had woken up and we’d only spoken in snatched phone conversations since then.  It was time for me to pack up and head back to real life now.  And my real life didn’t include a boyfriend, especially one who had children.  I sighed.

“Any thing you want to talk about?” I jumped when my mom’s voice interrupted my thoughts.  I looked over at her, sitting in her rocking chair.  She’d pulled it around to face the window seat.  She raised an eyebrow at me.

“Um…no, I don’t think so.” She’d always had an uncanny way of knowing when one of us kids was worried about something.

“It’s been good to see Simon again after all these years,” she said.

“Yes, it has. It was crazy coincidence to run into him at the store like I did.”

“Crazy coincidence or meddling fate?” She asked.

“Aw, mom.  You don’t believe in fate, do you?” I studied her face carefully and she shrugged.

“I think we can determine our own fate, but I also think the world likes to give us gifts if we are open to them.  Perhaps meeting Simon again after so long was one of those gifts of the world.”  She lifted an eyebrow at me.

“It gave us a chance to close up some loose ends, that’s all. We talked about some things that had been left unsaid years ago.”

“That is a gift, true.  Have you ever been in love, Dana?”

I frowned at my mom, wondering where she was going with this conversation. “Sure, Mom.  You know I have.”

She nodded, “With Simon, right?  Have there been other loves?”

“No, Mom. You probably would have heard about them if there had been.  You know that.”

“Well, I’ve always believed that true love will wait.  If it was right ten years ago, it could still be right today. You both have different lives now, but if you can learn to weave those lives together, you may find you have something built to last.”

I snorted, “Mom, you sound like a tired commercial, full of cliches.”

She shrugged and smiled, “Possibly.  Cliches are often so true they become overused.  Does that make them any less true?”  She rose from her chair and walked away.  “Just think about it, Dana.  Just because you and Simon have been in different worlds for years does not mean you can’t build a world together now.”

I shook my head and sighed.  My mom could be very wise, and we certainly all turned to her for advice, but it wasn’t like her to give so much unsolicited advice.  I closed my eyes again and drifted back into my thoughts.

El Fin:

I finally got Mom and Dad to sit down with me on my last day at home. For once, it was quiet in the house.  My siblings had taken their families off to play in the snow. Mom had fixed a pot of coffee and put a kettle of water to heat on the stove in preparation for the return of the rest of the family.  She had poured each of us a cup of coffee before sitting down with my dad and I at the kitchen table.

“What did you need to talk to us about, Dana?” My father asked.

“Well, this house, actually.  You are due to move South in a month and near as I can tell, you haven’t even spoken with a realtor about selling it.  How are you going to have time to get the showings and the packing and the selling done before you go to Florida?” I felt bad intruding on their business.  I was no expert on selling houses, but I knew it took more than a month!

My father patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry about it. Your mother and I have it covered.” I frowned at him.

“Truthfully, honey, the house has already been sold.  We had it on the market before Thanksgiving and had a contract signed before any of you got here for the holidays.” My mother calmly stirred her coffee as she said that.

“It’s already sold?” I shouted. “You didn’t even tell any of us your plans until we were all here!  You didn’t even give any of us the option to buy it from you?”  I could feel the blood rushing to my face and knew my cheeks were bright with anger.

“Dana. We didn’t want any of you to be saddled with this place.  You all have lives of your own elsewhere.” My father said this quietly, cutting into the rant that was getting ready to spill from my mouth.  I snapped my mouth shut and stared at him.

“The family that bought the house has small children and they need more room.  This house will work well for them,” my mother said.

“But what about my family?” I asked, with tears spilling down my cheeks.  I felt lost, knowing that the house I’d grown up in, the bridge down the hill, the porch swing, my mom’s Sun Room, it was all going to be in another family. It’d never be here for me again.  It felt as if someone had taken the rug from beneath my feet.  I had lost all sense of grounding, all sense of knowing where I belonged.

“We’re still your family, honey.  Nothing can change the love your dad and I have for you or the love your siblings have for you.” My mom came around the table to put her arm around my shoulders. I shook my head at her, sniffling against the tears that refused to stay inside.

“That’s not what I mean, Mom!  What about MY family!? What about MY children and my husband? They won’t know this place? They’ll have no idea of my roots without this place.”

“Why does this matter so much, Dana?” My father seemed perplexed, as he often was when confronted with one of his daughters in tears.

I did my best to stifle my tears. My mother handed me a tissue and I cleaned myself up, sucking back the sobs that were trying to escape.  Finally I looked up at my parents.  My mom’s hand rested on my shoulder and my dad sat across the table, cradling his mug of coffee.

“I was going to talk to you about buying the house.  I wanted to be the next owner.” I sighed heavily.  “Nevermind though.  I guess it wasn’t in the cards, anyhow.” I got up and hurried up to my room.  Once there, I began throwing my things into my suitcase and carry on bag.  I had an hour or two to go before I had to leave for the airport, but I was ready to leave right then.  I muttered to myself, angry about the stupid dreams I’d allowed myself to have and the goals I’d set for myself which had all been destined to fail.

When all of my clothes and toiletries and gifts I’d received had been haphazardly shoved into one bag or another, I collapsed on the bed, causing the bags to tumble to the floor and spill their contents. I rested my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands and I cried, oblivious to the mess now scattered on the floor at my feet.  I would never be able to “come home” again after this.  In another month, this would be some other family’s haven, some other daughter’s roots.

A light tap on the half open door warned me that someone was there.  I turned my head away, so that whoever it was couldn’t see my red nose and my wet cheeks.  After clearing his throat, he said, “I, uh, came over to see you.  Your mom said that your flight was leaving this afternoon.”  I turned to look at Simon, my eyes widened with shock at seeing him.  I couldn’t find any words to say to him.  I had purposefully not told him that I was leaving that day.

“Were you going to say goodbye, Dana?” He frowned at me from the doorway, where he leaned against the doorjamb.

I looked away again and sighed. “No, I wasn’t going to say goodbye.” I whispered.  I hadn’t wanted to make it “goodbye” because I wanted to see him again soon. I hadn’t wanted to put an end on the possible future ahead of us.  I was scared that saying goodbye would be the end for us.

“I see.  I was just a distraction while you were on vacation?  Just a bit of a walk down memory lane while you were home for the holidays?” His voice was rough.  I knew I’d hurt him without meaning to.

“No!” I cried.  “It isn’t like that.  Please believe me, it’s not.” I stood up in protest.

He picked his way through the mess of clothes and books that had spilled from my suitcase and stood right in front me.  He did not touch me at all, he just stood there looking down at me.  A frown creased his forehead, questions glared from his eyes and his mouth was stretched thin, hiding all of the soft smiles he had had for me in the last few days.

“Make me believe it, Dana.  Help to understand what you were thinking.  Because right now, all I know is that when we first began talking again, you seemed on the same page with me.  We were ready to try again, ready to figure out what the spark that’s still between us could mean.” I nodded hopefully, trying to silently tell him that I was there with him.

“Over the last few days though, you’ve seemed to pull farther and farther away from me.  You refused the cuddle on the hammock.  You ran as soon as you could from the domesticity of playing with my kids and talking with my parents.  And the phone calls from the last couple of days have been short and stilted, as if you had run out of things to say to me.” He was speaking very softly. If I hadn’t been watching his mouth form the words, I might have missed parts of what he said.  I could feel the tears rising again and shut my eyes to keep them back.

I whispered, “I’m scared, Simon.”  His hands softly wrapped around my upper arms, just above my elbows.  I kept my eyes tightly shut. He gave my arms a gentle shake and then laughed softly, bitterly.

“Didn’t we just have the conversation about what to do about overwhelming feelings? We talked about how you should share them with me, so that we could work through it all together, didn’t we? I could swear we just talked about how you should have done that all those years ago!” He leaned his forehead against mine.  I opened my eyes and met his gaze.

“Yes, but…that was when we were together.  I should have said something then.  Now…what are we doing now?”

“I thought we were together again, trying to make a relationship again.”

“Were we?”I pulled my head away from his, arching my body back away from his body to look at his face better.  He slowly released me and took a step back, tripping over one of my black stiletto heeled boots that was on top of the pile on the floor.  He surveyed the floor and my things scattered everywhere and shook his head.

“You never used to be so messy, Dana.” He said teasingly.  Then he squatted down, gently placing my boots and sweaters back into the suitcase they’d fallen out of.  He came across a pair of my lacy panties and picked them up gently, between two fingers.  “These are different than what you used to wear too.” He grinned up at me.

I turned red and tried to snatch the panties from him, but he simply dropped them into the suitcase with the other things and moved the whole thing out of the way. Then he knelt on one knee in front of me and reached into his pocket.  My eyes widened as I took in how his position and the seriousness that was settling over his face.  He cleared his throat and looked up at me.

He couldn’t be about to propose, could he?  what was he thinking?  What would I say?  What should I say? The tears were quiet behind my eyes but my head was racing, panicking.  I plopped back onto the bed and stared at him.

“Did you know that I was going to propose to you the next time I saw you, before we broke up in college?  I had already bought the ring and all.” He pulled a jeweler’s box out of his pocket and cradled it in his hands.  I covered my mouth to contain my gasp.

He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow.  I shook my head, and through my hand I said, “I never knew.”

“I had taken my life savings and bought you the best ring I could afford.  It was a cheap gold plated band with a chip for a diamond.  It wasn’t even worth what I spent on it when I tried to resell it.” He snorted.  I sniffed.  The tears were flowing again and I couldn’t stop them.  I could imagine how it must have hurt him when I’d broken up with him for no reason he could tell.  My heart hurt for him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  He shrugged and smiled at me.

“I’m kind of glad.” I raised an eyebrow at him.  He flicked open the box in his hand and looked down at the contents.  Then he smiled up at me again.  Alarm bells were jingling in my head and sirens were wailing in my ears.  Too much, too fast, they seemed to be screaming.

“I’m glad because I can offer you more now.” He paused, turning the ring box to face me and offering it up to me. “Dana, I love you. I have for years.  I hope you feel the same. I think you do.  Will you marry me?”

I didn’t even look at the ring.  It could have been tin and glass for all I cared.  I saw only Simon, with his love shining out of his eyes and his mouth smiling warmly at me.  With a cry, I launched myself at him.  We fell backwards to the floor, arms wrapped around each other, legs tangled.  I was laughing, and crying, and totally incoherent.  The alarm bells and sirens had been silenced, though.  The panic had given way to a joy I hadn’t remembered that I could feel.  I just hugged him to me, closing my eyes and whispering thanks to whatever powers had caused us to meet at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago.

“Is that a yes?” He whispered in my ear. I nodded and whispered “yes!” back at him. Then he captured my lips in a kiss.  I sighed in pleasure and surrendered myself to it.  He abruptly pulled back and I opened my eyes to stare at him in question. He just chuckled and shook his head and then began to stand up.  He pulled me along with him.

“I have something else to tell you.”

“More? I don’t think I can stand any more today.  I hope it’s not something that will make me cry, because I don’t think I can handle any more strong emotions today.” I sighed.

Simon grinned, and tugged me to the door and down the stairs.  My mom and dad were still in the kitchen and they looked at me with concern on their faces.  Simon turned to me and said, “Where did the ring go?” I shrugged and slid my hand into his. “Who cares?” I grinned at him.  He laughed and said, “I was going to show it to your folks!” “Oh well.”

“Are you ok, Dana?” My mom asked.  She looked questioningly between me and Simon.

“Yes, I think I’ll be ok, Mom.” I squeezed Simon’s hand. “Simon asked me to marry him!”

My mom clasped her hands in front of her chest and smiled at us. My father stood up and walked over to us. He stuck out his hand to shake Simon’s hand and said, “Take good care of her, son.” Simon nodded and said, “Yes sir, I will.”

“Oh, but this is wonderful! That means the house will stay in our family after all!” My mom grinned at Simon.  He shifted on his feet and looked down at me. I looked between them both, raising my eyebrows.

“What do you mean, Mom?” I asked.

“Didn’t he tell you?” She glared at Simon and he shook his head.

“I hadn’t gotten that far yet.” He looked at me, “I, um, I bought your parents’ house last month.  It was before I knew you’d be in town for the holidays, even…” I let go of his hand and walked to the kitchen door to look out the window towards the woods that hid the bridge.  I sighed.

“Dana?  We can sell it if you want.  We can live wherever you’d like, even out West if you can’t bear to move back here.”  He came up to stand behind me, his hands settling on my hips.  He whispered, “Dana?”

Tears were threatening again and I was having trouble getting words out.  Finally, I managed to whisper, “You’re going to have to trim the woods back to the bridge before Effie starts dating, you know.” He laughed and hugged me. He whispered, “I love you,” into my ear and we stood there looking down the grassy hillside to the woods.  With his arms tight around me, I felt content and happier than I had in many years.