Mom is Just a Nickname

Every one had a lot of good things to say in response to the post, “Is it Right to Submit to Motherhood?”  The words written struck me with a certain level of trepidation.  They made me wonder, am I approaching this motherhood thing the right way? 

Well, of course, I’m trying to change the way I’ve been coming at it for the last ten years.  Jenna suggested that motherhood was more of a “taking on another role, another part of who I am.”  Those words struck me as significant.  Motherhood is a role I play. It is not the only role I play, no matter how the last ten years might seem.

 Virginia said, “I expect respect of my time and space, just like she expects that from us.”  Stacie echoed her, “we all have rights and need our quiet time and personal space and pursuits.” Although my children don’t always respect my boundaries, as evidenced by how rarely I can pee without someone walking into the bathroom, they do try.  I’m doing my best to make the boundaries of my time and space clear, but with a four year old, I still have to be available for him quite often.  I can’t lose myself in my writing for hours on end, forgetting about lunch or snacks or play or all of those other things that are so important in his world.  I do, at times, do things the kids aren’t happy about and I tell them, “Look, it’s my turn.  If you don’t want to do this with me, go do something by yourself in your room.”  Usually, they end up staying by me.  My kids don’t seem to expect to have time and space to themselves.  They would far rather be doing things as a family than off by themselves.  And actually, I rather like that about my family right now.  I like that my kids WANT to spend time as a family.  I just need to find some way(s) to carve obvious family time and then ask for privacy at other times.  That is a challenging thing to do.  I just have this feeling that the days of happy family time are numbered as my oldest approaches her teenage years.

And finally, there’s Annie.  Her words reverberated through me.  I tried so many times to respond to her words, but I never knew what to say exactly.  Here’s her comment, in full:

i suppose its right to “submit” if at the end of it, you want a little dictator who thinks her or his needs come before her mother’s. i find the word “submit” offensive any time any one applies it to me. i don’t submit to anything for any reason. (i may agree and go along) nor do i define myself as the mother of anyone else. i am a person who happens to be a mother. my goal for myself as a mother and for my children is to create independent, functional, healthy adults. it is not to make my children happy or to create an illusion of a world that simply is not realistic. my goal is to give my children tools to cope and succeed in the world in which they are going to find themselves. to that end, part of the lesson they need to learn is that other people have needs. if i don’t teach my children that i, the rock at the center of their world, have needs – who else will? teaching a child that the parent has needs validates the child’s own needs.

To address the first part, although my children do have free access to me at just about any time of the day or night, they are not dictators.  [I realize you probably weren't aiming that straight at me, Annie, but I feel I must respond.]  My children are often complimented on their nice manners, their pleasant attitudes and their kindness to others.  They are thoughtful, considerate and sweet.  I feel I must be doing something right when so many people over the years have said the same thing about my children.

I hesitated to use the word “submit” since I also find the use of it generally unappealing and offensive.  I do not willingly submit to much of anything.  I either agree and go along, or I speak up.  I guess that means that at some point when I transitioned from me to mom, I agreed and went along with it.  Now, I find myself disagreeing with that view of myself and I’m speaking up.

I do define myself as the mother of three children.  Three children.  I only have two with me today, so I have found that saying “Mother of three” is almost the only way to show that one of my children has died.  He is not a bad memory I sweep under the rug, however I can’t rightly say that I have three children.  I do not. It’s a very confusing dynamic of words, and saying “Mother of Three” has become a way for me to express my deceased child’s impact on my life.

The rest of Annie’s words, I have no quibble with.  I also am striving to teach my children to function in a world greater than themselves.  I do my best to instill a respect for others, and I realize that should include myself.  I’m unsure of how to instill that respect for ‘me time’ though.  I welcome suggestions.  That is, after all, a large part of what I’m searching about here.

How does a mother separate herself from her children and their needs?  How does a mother teach them to respect her time, space and pursuits?

Lynn is a freelance writer and mother of four.  She authors the blog called Virtual Wordsmith where she explores her experiences as a writer,  interviews other authors, and also reviews books.  She also has a blog, Family in a Blender , which explores the joys and challenges of Stepfamilies, also known as Blended Families. 

wfg: Describe your family life.
Lynn: I am a happily married mother of four children, a daughter – just shy of 18, a stepson – 16, and two sons – 10 and 5.  We have a yours, mine and ours dynamic, as three of the children are from previous marriages or relationships, the youngest child being “ours”.  We do, however, refer to all of the kids as ours. 

wfg:  What special joys or challenges accompany having your children’s ages spread between almost 18 and 5?
Lynn:  There are so many joys it would be tough to choose just one. 
 
One of my favorite memories is of my daughter, holding my youngest son in her arms when he was just a baby, and dancing with him.  He was sound asleep on her shoulder and she was singing to him.  I had this super-imposed vision of her dancing with him at her wedding, with her head on his shoulder.
 
The challenges are many.  Each child is unique, and alike, in that they are all strong personalities and leaders in their own ways.  We run into issues with bedtimes, because the older two want to stay up later.  I run into issues with the 10 year old, because he wants to do the things the 16 year old does, but he’s not quite old enough yet.  Committing the entire family to one activity is also a trick, because the older two already have their own lives, with friends and jobs. 

wfg:  How would you describe your parenting style?
Lynn:  My parenting style is semi-attachment.  I breastfed all of my babies (the first two for 6 months each, the last for 9 months), but did not co-sleep.  I have been a stay at home or work at home mom for what seems like forever.  
 
wfg:  What are your hobbies?
 Lynn:  I love to read.  Lately I’ve had 2 or 3 books going at once, which is new for me.  Cooking is one of my great passions.  I also love to hike in the woods.

wfg:  What kinds of things do you like to cook?  Will you share a favorite recipe?
Lynn:  I love to bake.  Cookies, sweet breads, cakes, candies.  I do not bake breads, though.  I leave that up to my husband.  Yeast and I do not get along.  I also love to do the “home cooked meal” thing – Pot Roast, Turkey with all the trimmings, Soups, Roasted Chicken, Lasagna.
 
My favorite recipe is Guinness Pot Roast.  You can find the recipe here.

wfg:  Are you living the life you thought you’d be living?
Lynn:  I am living the life I envisioned, in many ways.  I always knew I’d have at least 3 children, I’d hoped to be married to someone who was my best friend and partner, and I wanted to raise my children in a small town.  I have achieved those things.
 
I didn’t expect to be living in the Mid West, raising a step child and only seeing my parents and siblings once every 5 years or so.

wfg: You said you didn’t expect to live in the Mid West:  What’s your favorite thing about living there now?
Lynn:  My favorite thing about living here now is the land.  Rich, dark fertile soil, beautiful and varying scenery no matter which part of Minnesota you travel, the power of the Summer storms, the quiet after a 12 inch snowfall.  If I had to live anywhere other than where I grew up, Minnesota is the best place I could have ended up.

wfg:  Describe your average day.
Lynn:  My average day begins with coffee and checking emails.  Then, I make sure the kids are up and out the door to school with everything they need.  Once the kids are on their way, I take a shower, wash dishes and prep things for dinner.  I do a couple of loads of laundry a day. 
 
The remainder of my day is spent reading, writing and researching for my blog and freelance writing.  I have surrounded myself with words, in one way or another, and I am loving my work!

wfg:  How did you decide to become a freelance writer?
Lynn:  I became a freelance writer because I’d read through magazines and think “I could’ve written that.”  I love words, I love playing with words, and I love sharing my thoughts with others.  I describe it as a compulsion. 
 
wfg:  What do you find most satisfying about being a writer?
Lynn:  As an avid reader, I find myself educated, entertained and moved by other people’s words.  If and when I accomplish those same things with my writing, I am elated.  I also love the research part of writing.  I am perpetually curious, a life-long student and writing gives me an outlet to discover information and then share it with others.

You can find out more about Lynn from her website and from either of her blogs. 

 Thank you, Lynn, for finding the time to talk to me about your interests and family!

I want to start by thanking Lori for letting me interview her for this new blog.  I know she stays busy with her kids and with making necklaces, so I really appreciate her taking the time to work with me.

 I learned a lot more about home schooling after talking with her.  Socialization is the big thing that caught my eye, as you probably noticed.  I’ve always had tucked in the back of my head the idea that school is better for socializing our kids and much of what I read on the topic challenged that idea.   I’ve always had great respect for parents who choose to home school, since I know it takes organization and dedication to their children.  I watched my aunt home school her children for many years and saw how they thrived and how much energy she gave to them in the process.  Now I have many friends who home school and I continue to be in awe of the commitment they make to helping their children reach their potential.

 Another occupation that takes organization, dedication, and commitment is that of freelance writer.  I’m just stepping out into the writing world in a serious way, and I have been fortunate to have a friend who is already working as a freelance writer.  Her name is Lynn and she’s becoming very well known for her blog, Virtual Wordsmith, thanks to her author interviews and book reviews.  My interview with Lynn will be coming soon!

Hathor the CowGoddess on Socialization and Homeschooling

Just this link for today.  If you’ve never seen the Hathor comics you should check them out!!!

Since my daughter first started going to school, I’ve considered homeschooling her.  She is a very bright child and she has always loved school.  My husband and I have always been concerned with finding public schools that are able to meet her educational needs. When we have trouble finding those schools, we start investigating our options.  It’s something we revisit almost on an annual basis because of how often we’ve moved since she started school.

Here’s a list of the issues that we’ve given thought to when making our decisions:

1. Will the school be able to keep her engaged and interested?  Do they have a gifted program?  Do they have programs to help students at all levels succeed?

2. What about socialization?  I think this article really highlights some reasons homeschooling has an edge over public schools on this issue.  Usually I hear the argument swayed more towards the public schools, so it was interesting to read a different point of view.

3. What if she and I can’t get along for so many hours in a day? Mommy doesn’t always do very well when both kids are home all day, every day, for endless stretches of time.

4.This article addresses the skills of the parent as educator. I generally have trouble explaining things to her, and I usually let my husband help her with homework because she and I seem to have problems understanding the other’s way of thinking. What it would be like if I was trying to teach her all day, every day?

5. Is the school safe, both from physical violence and from mental/emotional bullying?  Lori mentioned that part of her decision to homeschool was the level of violence present in the schools in her area. I always worry about my daughter because she isn’t very street smart, but she also manages to be the “friend to everyone” so I guess she’s found a way around that.

6. How much will it cost? I cannot afford to lay out a lot of money for a curriculum and supplies, but then again, the field trips have been sapping money from us in incredible ways this year in the public school!

7. Will the school teach her what I think she needs to learn (or not to teach her what I don’t think she needs to learn?)  The last school our daughter was in had a penchant for bringing other people’s religious beliefs into the classroom, which didn’t thrill us. If it had been a balance between various religions, we wouldn’t have batted an eye, but every bit of the exposure was from one particular religion…and this was a PUBLIC school! What happened to seperation of church and state?

8. Are the laws supportive of homeschooling? 

9.Is the community friendly toward homeschoolers, with plenty of places to go to enrich learning?

So far, we’ve found in favor of public schools.  Our daughter has greatly influenced this decision, since she loves going to school every day.  As long as she is happy to go and is obviously learning new things, I’m personally happy to stick with public schools.  A lot of parents choose to homeschool.  It’s a decision that has to be made by each family, sometimes by each child in the family, according to the needs they need met.  It’s a decision we seem to face every time we move.